Gentlemen…Start Your Search Engines…

Last fall, I did a fun post about the search terms people had used to find my blog.  Six months later, I found myself facing an empty screen, so decided to put together another one (note to Ironic Mom and her “Tangled” accomplice – I am purposely leaving out search bombs)!
Technically-Challenged Searchers
use Plunger.  I sincerely hope this person’s toilet wasn’t overflowing while he stopped to Google what most people instinctively know.  That might be difficult to explain to the insurance company!

"Gee, which end should I use?" (photo from plumbinghelp.ca)

easiest roller coaster out of sticks.  Generally, I try to avoid amusement parks.  When I do get dragged to one by my teenagers, we have a rule that no one is allowed to ride the roller coaster made of sticks (at least not without a helmet!).
letter p blackberry fell off.  It is terribly inconvenient when my “p” falls off!  It really ‘isses me off!
Consumer Searchers
what kind of watch does jack carter from eureka wear.  A sexy one, of course.  It would also have all the latest gadgets.

Jack Carter with his sexy watch (photo from wormholeriders.net)

high school music hall pom pom girl wallpaper.  Bad news, ma’am…wallpaper is getting very difficult to find, and high school music hall pom pom girl wallpaper has to be special-ordered from Texas.
cast iron giraffe toilet paper holder.  A regular plastic spindle just will not do.  And it can’t be a rhinocerous either.
macho en calzones. This poor person was looking for men’s underwear…he was probably really surprised to be directed to a post about deer challenging electric fences and pizza pockets!
Spelling-Challenged Searchers
mr. been.  I assume this person meant Mr. Bean, who isn’t a has-been yet.  They still show his specials on CBC all the time.

Mr. Bean...still funny after all these years (photo from slidephoneblog.blogspot.com)

pumpkinks attack.  That sounds scary, and twisted, all at the same time!  This isn’t that kind of blog!
fune catsin wedes.  This is a head-scratcher: my blog is fun, I have the word “cats” in the title, and I have talked about “weeds” occasionally in gardening posts…any other guesses?
Food Searchers
garlic and brown sugar cheese ball.  This misguided soul obviously didn’t get the memo about cheese balls not being served at parties held after 1980…I was horrified to discover that an actual recipe exists for this abomination.  It is not on my site, and never will be!
define chicken heart.  Okay, bud…put down the plunger, and think really hard!

This is not a chicken heart...(photo from southviewfarmcottage.co.uk)

Medical Searchers
flatulence in 10 year old boy.  I can’t help you with that.  I only know about farting teenagers, and 48-year-old men who spend a lot of time “reading magazines”.
does zumba work make your legs chunky.  It’s possible.  My legs are definitely chunky after that one time I tried Zumba.  And it wasn’t “work”…it was torture!  I’ll never do that again!
Animal Searchers
the monkees with cats.  Did The Monkees own cats?  I don’t know.  I talked about them once (the musical group), but the discussion was about Mike Nesmith’s mom and her invention of Liquid Paper.

Does Mickey have a cat under his poncho? (photo from 8notes.com)

wet tail.  What was this hapless searcher looking for?  Whatever it was, I don’t think he found it on my blog.
Searchers With Too Much Time On Their Hands
welcome sing to my room.  I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest this person may not have had English as his first language.
taylor swift just a zombie baby.  I wouldn’t go that far…she’s actually not a bad singer!

Not very zombie-like at all...(photo from theimproper.com)

“my holy pants”.  I have never been a religious person.  However, I do have a pair of pants which are not fit to wear in public, but too good to throw out.  I tend to wear them around the house on Sundays…hence “my holy pants.”
What are some of the strange terms people have found your blog with?

42 Comments

Filed under blogging, satire

42 responses to “Gentlemen…Start Your Search Engines…

  1. I don’t know whether to laugh or be scared. This is the strangest one I’ve ever gotten:

    фото мыльных пузырьков

  2. Wendy–
    truly, the terms are hysterical. Does it make you take an extra moment or two, as you get ready to search for something online?
    I know I’ve begun to take more care, overall…
    I don’t want MY search engine phrase to be fodder for someone’s blog! ;)
    (which makes me think…maybe it’s time for one of these, too…)

    blessings
    jane

    • I found myself looking at the list of terms people had used to get to my blog and rationalizing what they were probably going for, Jane…I do some pretty strange searches at the store sometimes when I’m trying to evaluate books. Do you get search terms still now that you’ve gone dot.com? Hugs, Wendy

      • Wendy–
        yes–I get LOTS of varied search engine hits to the blog–as many and as whackadoo as on the wp.com site…

        I hope people who google “french kissing my sister” are looking for therapy….but I’ll never know. ;)
        jane

  3. I remember that post! I think that was how I found you! :)
    The last one made me laugh out loud. My strangest lately was “assassin’s toilet decorations”…

  4. So funny. I’m still not getting any really juicy searches on mine. Can I borrow “wet tail?”

  5. Lovely, fun post, Wendy. I love all your possible explanations for the search terms reaching your blog too – those are just as funny!
    We’ve had blue sky and plenty of sunshine here in the past few days, so I’ve had lots of “seeing sunshine in London” kind of terms over the past few days. One of my recent favourites is “i am rather not say”. How on earth did that get to me, and what on earth was the person searching for? Too funny.
    Sunshine xx

    • We had a sunny day here too today, Sunshine! Hmmm…”I am rather not say” – is it possible that all five of those words appeared in one post? I’m guessing it would be one on “talking furrin.” Hope your new job is going well…I need to visit you and read your new post! Hugs, Wendy

  6. You must be saving them up to have so many weird ones! What I found recently especially strange is getting 2 from different addresses for something I can’t imagine even one person searching for.

  7. I’m glad for the refresher on which end to use and I’m the one that searched for 10 year old boy flatulence. Yup. That was me.

  8. Jess Witkins

    The two most common search engines that link to my blog have to do with Anne of Green Gables and that photo of the little boy that says “I f*cking LOVE coloring!” lol. Interesting…

    Speaking of searches, hard to find me if my tags don’t work and currently I can’t link or tag anything!!! How did you get a hold of the wordpress powers that be cause I read through all their support documents and sent in a customer form letter and that was DAYS AGO ?! Still no reply. What should I do?

    Sincerely, Bloggy McBloggerstein, writing from a loaf of bread, I mean laptop.

  9. Gotta love the search terms! Pumpkins or kinks attacking is interesting. Where’s the search bombs huh huh? Fun stuff :-)

  10. This was absolutely hysterical–and, “p” falling off ‘riceless! This one made me laugh out loud and ‘iss my ‘ants!
    Kathy

  11. Aha, flatulence in a 10 year old boy, wet tail and my holy pants are my favorites. Would love to know what exactly the wet tale and holy pants folks were looking to find. Love it, Wendy. ♥ Fisnr

  12. I respectfully disagree with your assessment that Taylor Swift “is actually not a bad singer.” Have you ever heard her on an awards show? It’s painful.

    • That’s okay, Todd…I can’t remember the last awards show I actually watched! I’ve only heard Taylor Swift on my kids’ computers…I pretty much tune it out, like all their other music! Garth Brooks is often flat too when he sings live! Wendy

  13. Thanks for the shout, Wendy. Great searches by the way; now I’m going to send some great Search Bombs your way.

    Just because.

    Leanne

  14. Love it! Wendy, you deliver a one-liner like a pro. So funny!

    Mostly my search terms are really vanilla. Every once in a while I get some spicy terms, though, like: “Snuggie sutra! If nothing else it was good for a laugh, and laughing together is always sexy.” (I never knew a search term could be so long!) Also, I can blame my “Fun Facts about Robots” post for these terms: “Japanese Sex Robots,” “Japanese Sex Computers,” and “Kinky Asian Techno Sex.” (Which begs the question: are there such things?)

    I will say, though, that I’m very proud to know someone searched for “Slim T for Men” and landed at 36×37. That has to be one of the most hilarious infomercials I’ve ever seen.

  15. jacquelincangro

    Love it! I want to know: what are they looking for?

    I checked the search terms for my blog and found this: taro bun deep fried recipe and irrelevant blackjack buttons. Too funny.

  16. I love getting these random search terms. I enter pretty specific terms when I search online, but it seems some people enter odd questions as though they consider the Internet some kind of fortune teller or oracle.

    • I’m very specific too, GG…I think a lot of people just have too much time on their hands…thanks for reading! Congrats on FP, too…haven’t had a chance to read the piece yet… Wendy

  17. Mine just are not that interesting. Simply boring. 1. would be anything “biggest loser” and related words. I posted on that show months ago & it is always is #1 in searches. Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper, blah, blah. 2. Widescreen Green Leaves. I have not a clue on this one. 3. wallcoo. Nope! Nothing here either. 4. Government, congress. I think we are all searching for them. :) 5. snow white. Could be the 7 little guys are searching for her?
    Well, this was a fun post.
    Barb

  18. Great stuff! Only a talented writer could shape a cool post from something as simple as search terms.
    Excellent work.

  19. Jeanne Heuer

    Uh huh, I tried Zumba ONCE, too.

    Btw, you are so frakking clever, loved this post.

  20. A big newcomers mistake was creating a user ID that sounds like a porn star. With a blog about moving to Japan. with teenagers. The search terms are “Not Yet Rated.”

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