Excuse Me, Sir, But Your Search Engine Has Run Amok…

This is another assignment set by my friend over at Hippie Cahier…she suggested we write a post about search terms people use to find our blog.  Since I’ve been thinking about doing this already, now is as good a time as any…

1. transistor radio.  This now obsolete device was mentioned in exactly one blog post about waiting for a hurricane, and 31 nostalgic people found my blog because of it.

2. Mia Michaels.  Nine people with nothing better to do were searching for info on this ditzy dance diva, who appeared in this post because she used entirely the wrong word to describe a dancer’s performance on So You Think You Can Dance.  Mia’s catty claws were out last season…a lot of her comments were nasty and unwarranted!  Please bring back Mary Murphy (believe me…I never thought I would say that!).

Mary...we want you back!

3. how were readers digest condensed booksTwo poor souls typed this into a search engine.  Hmmm…how were they?  Heavy.  Expensive.  Good fire starters or doorstops.  The boxes they came in are handy for mailing other books though…

4. price to put cat to sleep saint john, nb.  This one mystifies me…yes, my blog is called Herding Cats in Hammond River, which is near Saint John, but it really has nothing to do with cats, and I don’t remember ever talking about putting a cat to sleep in any of my posts.  I have no idea how much that costs, and I don’t want to know.  And yet, two people found my blog this way…go figure!

5. the dog eat my homework.  This search had to have been typed by someone whose first language was something other than English (at least I hope so).  It got me two hits on this post about my Schnoover (Schnauzer/Poodle/Hoover) who eats everything in sight, including things not normally consumed.

Jake's favourite things to eat...

6. sock pile.  How bored does one have to be to Google “sock pile”…twice???  I wish I had their phone number so I could invite them over to sort them…they obviously have more time than I do…

7. deviated septum how to fix ontario.  I talked about Jim’s deviated septum in this post.  I have never tackled the issue of “how to fix Ontario.”  I don’t live there any more for a reason…

8. tapioca cheese steak like made in school.  That lunch lady needs to be fired…if she’s putting tapioca in the cheese steak, she’s doing it all wrong!  I don’t remember them ever serving cheese steak of any sort in our school cafeteria…tube steak, yes!

Hold the tapioca please...

 9. dirty girl sneaker.  Okay…this is just wrong.  I write an innocent story about a family trip to Hopewell Rocks, and this is how they find it?

10. muddy kids.  See #9.  Ditto.

11. blue jay cheerleading.  I’ve written about blue jays, and I’ve written about cheerleading, but I’ve never seen a blue jay cheerleading (it’s tough for them to find spankies small enough to fit).  Maybe some poor sap hoped that major league baseball games have cheerleaders now?  Not happening…

12. huge bean pod.  This person wasn’t just looking for any bean pod…it had to be a huge one!  Apparently, size does matter!

P.S. Did you notice how I put all the terms into the tags, so people could find them again?  Never let it be said that I’m not Internet-savvy…


Filed under blogging, rants, satire

49 responses to “Excuse Me, Sir, But Your Search Engine Has Run Amok…

  1. Kim Pugliano

    LOL!!! Your posts always make me laugh out loud!!!

  2. Hippie Cahier

    Wow, that was fast! These are hilarious. I have never had a tapioca cheese steak, not even in school.

    Who knew that deviated septums were a problem in Ontario?

    I really enjoyed this. Mine are pretty boring comparatively speaking. 🙂

  3. Kaylee

    Yes, Mom, your internet-savvy has come a long way from you calling me from work that one day and saying “Okay, so I’ve typed in http://www.suchandsuch.com, NOW what do I DO?!” 😉

  4. 4. price to put cat to sleep saint john, nb = Brilliant. Thanks for putting a huge smile on my face Wendy. I was having a somewhat blah day till I read this post. Great work!

  5. This is really funny. It sometimes scares me how people find my site. Perhaps I’m inspired enough to go and respond to HC’s challenge now… 😉

    By the way…I’ve never noticed your list of musical likes along the side there…very good…Joel Plaskett…Melanie Doane…Sarah Harmer…Lucinda Williams…lovely! Oh and Spirit of the West…so distinctly Canadian…

  6. Yes, every day brings a new eyebrow raising entry. Today I got:

    “teens digging holes”

    “underwear enhancement for females”

    I don’t want to know!

  7. Funny! I hope this is a regular piece for you. Keep us updated from time to time on how people find you. 😉

  8. I think these are hilarious. Re #4, maybe they confused the herding/hurting thing? Person who wrote #8 should be arrested. Immediately. This Philly girl would rather eat dirt.

  9. LOL…thank you for this post Wendy. Needed the laughs 🙂 And I just had to follow up the huge bean pod…am so glad I did!

  10. Hee hee! This is a very fun exercise! I may just have to try it myself. Of course, as a good English teacher, I will be sure to cite you. (And c’mon, you knew size mattered. 😉 )

  11. This is great, Wendy! Makes you wonder who is out there, doesn’t it? A good laugh – thanks!
    Sunshine xx

  12. haha whew! Those are great! Makes me want to vary the content of my posts a bit more and see what pops up.

  13. Tapioca cheese steak?

    I’m a live and let live guy, but that phrase is the best argument for some sort of obscenity law on the net that ive ever seen!

  14. Hee hee…had to chuckle at your commentary on #7. Oh, Witty Wendy!

    You are definitely in a writerly groove, writerwoman. I’m always reading even when I don’t have time to comment. Thanks for the fun diversion~

  15. Excellent! Congratulations! Interesting that they are now pressing older posts…hmmmm….

  16. Hahahahahah!

    I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one who is obsessed with those search engine terms. I laughed out loud through this entire piece. Wendy, you’re hilarious!

    HUUUUUUUGE bean pod. That just kills me.

  17. Got a good one today: “moshing guy vomit.”

    As I’ve said before, I don’t want to know.

  18. Pingback: The Mysterious Case of Google Gone Wild |

  19. I love this post – thanks for entertaining me! I often laugh at the search engine searches that bring people to my page – and mostly they’re all really random!! I’m definitely going to do this!!

  20. I’m not making today’s winner up:

    “banana in pajamas farm adventure”

    What did I do?

  21. Now this is totally inexplicable:

    “laser tag cake ideas”

  22. Today I got a strange one:

    “Funny road kill ha”

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