Dear Santa…A Canine Christmas Letter…

I've been a very good boy this year!

Dear Santa:

How are you?  I am fine (except for that anxiety I have every time Mommy or Daddy are out of my sight…maybe you could put some doggy Paxil in my stocking?). 

Mommy’s been upstairs a lot the last couple of days…I think she might be sick.  I could fit a lot of Milk Bones into the bags she’s got under her eyes (I’m kinda sick of Milk Bones, though)!  Mommy’s cranky too…she moans every time she has to get up to let me outside…sometimes she says bad words too!  Come to think of it, I’m mad at her…her coughing is keeping me awake at night!  After three days without a shower, she’s starting to smell a bit too…

I’ve been a very good boy this year, except for that unfortunate incident with Mommy’s friend from Ontario this summer…I suppose I wasn’t very nice to him!  Oh, yeah… I messed up Mommy’s plants a few times, ate her bread, and pooped in the back kitchen every day, but you probably know all that!

The chimney guy was here a few weeks ago, so you shouldn’t get too dirty on your slide down…I tried to scare him away, but he wouldn’t go!

Here’s what I want for Christmas:

1. Another bone like Daddy brought me home from his staff Christmas party at Montana’s…it was so big, I think it must have come from an elephant!

Me with my elephant bone...

2. Some slower squirrels…I want to play with them, but when I run out on the deck and bark at them, they all run away!

3. Snausages…my favourites are the cheesy ones!  And the bacon ones.  And the chicken ones.  Just bring me a bag of each!

4. A new Frisbee…mine’s full of slobber and teethmarks!

See how decrepit my old one is?

 

5. A new sweater.  How am I ever going to be featured in Dogs in Canada wearing clothes like this?

Can you believe my Mommy paid $10 for this? It fell apart the first time she washed it!

 

6. Please ask Hope to sew up the hole in my baby so I can play with it again.  I don’t even mind that it’s a stuffed cat!  Shaking my baby violently from side to side is the highlight of my day…what cat wouldn’t love that?  Maybe after the hole is fixed, Mommy could throw her in the washer.

My baby...

7. Please make Kaylee and Scott forget that Thing when they come on Christmas.  Seriously, when they were here for the Christmas photo, it spent the whole time chewing on its furry sleeve!  Oh, wait…I lick my favourite furry parts, too…never mind!

That Thing...It looks harmless, but it chases me!

8. Please bring Daddy a new jockstrap so that when he comes home, I won’t hurt him when I jump up to say “Hi!”  It’s probably a good thing I only weigh 15 lbs. (and that Daddy’s not planning on having any more children!).

9. I’d really like it if Grammy and Grampy would come over for Christmas (I can’t go to their house because I don’t like riding in the car…please send that Paxil soon!).  Grampy always has treats in his pocket for me!

Grampy and my cousin, Bella...she scares me!

10. Please send doggy kisses to all of Mommy’s blogging friends and wish them happy holidays for us (oh, and maybe a paper towel, for afterward)!

Love, Jake   

 

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36 Comments

Filed under family, satire

36 responses to “Dear Santa…A Canine Christmas Letter…

  1. Well, I’m going to confess, Wendy. I never once thought I’d read the word “jockstrap” in one of your posts. Funny, Jake!

    Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well. What’s that saying about starving a fever and feeding a cold? I’m sending you a giant pot of cyber chicken noodle soup so that you’ll feel better in time for the holidays.

    • Thanks for the soup, Maura! I’m feeling a bit better this afternoon (which is good, because I still have shopping to do!). I toyed with using “athletic supporter” instead of “jockstrap”, but I thought, “Jake’s a guy…he’d say ‘jockstrap’.” Wendy

  2. “Slower squirrels.” That’s exactly what a dog would want for Christmas! Hope you feel better!

  3. He sounds like he’s been a very good boy! I’m very sure Santa will be around soon with all his favorite treats. 🙂

  4. Thanks, Koreen…Jake’s one of those characters that’s pretty much good only when he’s asleep!

  5. Aw, I hope your mommy is feeling better for Christmas!

  6. I would vote for a new sweater. Blue is a nice color, though. Perhaps add a room of your own (a crate) to your Christmas list so you can escape crawling, drooling “things,” others seem to find so amusing and adorable–you might not like it at first but in time it would help with your separation anxiety, I promise.
    Slower Squirrels…would be cool then you could catch one and have a squirrel coat!
    If your mom sent me your address, I would request that Santa send you a deer antler to enjoy. Perhaps while you were in your special room.

    Big pat for you and get well wished for your Mom,

  7. Sorry you’ve not been well, Wendy. Hope you’ll be better soon and can fully enjoy all the Christmas celebrations.
    Lovely post – I hope Santa reads this and gets Jake most of what he wants, except number 7 – she is too cute for words!
    Sunshine xx

    • Thanks, Sunshine…I’m feeling better this evening! I’ve been home from the bookstore for the last two days…planning to go tomorrow though! Elise is pretty cute…I think she’ll probably be over for Christmas! Hugs, Wendy

  8. Gosh, Wendy, not a fun time to feel bad! But what a great post. I love it! Your Jake looks a lot like my Ralph, though Ralph is larger and weighs more than 40 pounds. What kind of dog is Jake? He’s so cute!

    Hope you’re feeling better!
    Kathy

    • Thanks, Kathy…I’m feeling better and going back to the bookstore this morning. Jake is a mix of miniature schnauzer and miniature poodle, a Schnoodle. We got that kind because Jim and his kids have allergies to other pets. Wendy

  9. I hope you’re feeling better! Being sick around the holidays is lousy. Well, it’s lousy anytime, actually.

    Jake is sooooo CUTE, and this post is ADORABLE and FUNNY.

    • Thanks, Amiable…I’m feeling better and going back to work this morning… It’s a good thing Jake’s cute! I appreciate your kind comments…you’re pretty funny yourself! Wendy

  10. A lot of heartfelt wishes from Jake. I’d love to hear his opinions later on how well Santa listened 🙂

    Here’s hoping that you’ll be fit as a fiddle by Christmas Eve, if not sooner!

  11. Too cute! Loved Jakes’s letter especially the part about slower squirrels. Our dog Sven would chase the squirrels up the trees in our yard and sit at the bottom of the tree for hours standing guard until they would try to make they way back down. Sven would probably add slower rabbits to his letter.

    Hope you are feeling better soon! Jeanne

    • Hi Jeanne: You’re the first person I’ve ever known with a dog named “Sven.” Jake’s never seen a rabbit…we don’t seem to have very many around here…I bet he’d have fun with them though! I’m feeling well enough to go back to the bookstore this morning… Wendy

      • My husband named our dog Sven because of his Swedish and Norweigan heritage. The kids were not thrilled with his choice of names but they were delighted to finally have a puppy when we moved out of town.

  12. Thanks for the laugh, Wendy!

    Sew up Jake’s baby…he wants to rip it open again soon!

    That “thing” sure is adorable.

    Hope Jake’s mommy is feeling better soon and

    for heaven’s sake get Jake’s daddy that jockstrap!

    Hugs, Diane

    • Glad you enjoyed it, Diane! It was fun to write! Feeling better this morning…I’m at the bookstore. Still haven’t finished shopping for Jim yet…what a shame there aren’t any sports stores uptown! Hugs, Wendy

  13. Oh my gosh the little sweater is just the cutest! I think that photo needs to be on next year’s Christmas card 🙂 Cute post!!

  14. planejaner

    Dear Jake–you are a great writer!
    great Christmas list–and quit pooping in the kitchen!
    barks and blessings
    jane

  15. Oh Wendy, I am so sorry you’ve been sick. Feel better! “That thing” is just about the cutest ever! Merry HoHo and Happy New Year to you, xo iz

  16. Doggy Paxil. I’ve heard that’s the good stuff.

    What a priceless picture of the Thing. I sense a little jealousy on Jake’s part.

    Great post idea, Wendy.

  17. OMG. THAT THING is so adorable! I am so sorry that your mommy is sick. I hope she gets better soon so she can stop coughing and waking you up!

  18. too cute! 😀 Hope Santa was good to Jake 😉

  19. Jake is absolutely adorable! What a great idea for a post. I hope he got most of what he asked for, including a new sweater. Poor thing.
    Thanks for letting me know about this post. Loved it very much! 🙂

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