My Rapture To Do List…

Word is that the world is coming to an end tomorrow night at 6 p.m. EDT (which is 7:00 our time…couldn’t it be earlier so I don’t  have to make supper?).  I’ve made a list of things I need to do before then, just in case*:

1. Buy new underwear (sale at Giant Tiger 5/$5 – wonder if they’ll let me buy just one pair?). My mom always told me that when I go somewhere, to be sure I didn’t wear raggy underwear.

2. Finish income tax. Even though I won’t be around to cash the refund cheque, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I got it done (3 weeks late…whatever!).

3. Water plants. At least they’ll be able to cling to life for an extra couple of days after I’m gone!

4. Bathe the dog. I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a crowd with a stinky Schnoodle.

5. Take the recycling to the bins. Maybe the next civilization can figure out what to do with my old shampoo bottles!

6. Cancel the newspaper and magazine subscriptions. After tomorrow, I won’t care what our government is up to, and won’t need to know how to knit a toilet paper cozy.

7. Shave my legs. I don’t know what the styles are like where we’re going, but I’m thinking the “Caveman Look” isn’t going to fly.

8. Finish War and Peace. Oh wait, I already did that…maybe I’ll read it again…

9. Beat my buddy, Mike, at online Scrabble…he wins 85% of the time now and I’m not sure if they have Facebook there.

10. Watch a science fiction movie that Jim likes that doesn’t have a hot guy in it, just so I can say that I did.  Normally, I don’t do science fiction…I’m one of the few people on earth who has never seen any of the Star Wars or Star Trek movies in their entirety!  However, I have been known to make the odd exception for movies like Source Code (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Inception (Leonardo DiCaprio).

What’s on your Rapture To Do List?

* This is a satirical piece written for entertainment purposes.  I do not pretend to be an expert on this subject.  If it offends you, I am sorry that you don’t have a better sense of humour…


Filed under satire

60 responses to “My Rapture To Do List…

  1. 1) Finish all the Moet
    2) Finish all the Beluga Caviar
    3) Finish all the Lindt dark chocolate balls

    Maybe a few other things

  2. Phew! I’m SO glad I’m not the only one that hasn’t finished her taxes. You just made me feel a million times better Wendy!

    On the science fiction movie front, I say you should STILL watch a movie with some good looking fellas in it…say The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy…or Serenity…or Sunshine…

    I should probably brush the cats. I’m sure the Rapture folk don’t need to be sneezing due to the extra fur…

    • Don’t worry about the taxes, Suzanne, as long as they owe you money (within reason, of course)! Thanks for the movie recommendations…I used to listen to “The Hitchhiker’s Guide…” on the radio when I was a teenager…

      You should definitely brush the cats…Jim is crazy allergic, and knowing him, he’ll forget to bring his allergy pills! Wendy

  3. I heard the end will come by time zones, 6 p.m. in each time zone, so you’ll have time to choose your outfit while the Aussies are already gone. See you on the other side.

  4. I’ve given a lot of thought about this. Or rather, I’ve given a lot of thought over the years as to what I would do if the world were coming to an end. So, I would have spent some time before that, stocking up on coffee Haagen Dazs and Lindt milk chocolate balls (viewfromtheside can have the dark). On the day, I will call all my kids, tell them I love them madly, start cramming ice cream and chocolate in my mouth while I tell Now Husband how much I love him. Then, if there is any time left, I will run outside to see if any of the righteous who are flying up to heaven have left any cute shoes behind (because I was told they will not take their shoes with them). With any luck I will find a really cute pair in my size, put them on and run back into the house to eat more ice cream and chocolate. Naked except for cute shoes. In bed. With Now Husband. Bye Bye.

  5. jacquelincangro

    Just got a tweet from a friend in Singapore where it’s already Saturday. She says she’s hanging in there. So far so good.

    But just in case, I’m going to buy a jar of Nutella and a loaf of crusty French bread. That’s rapturous enough for me.

    Have a great weekend. Or, well, you know…

  6. Hmm…. what to do, what to do. The fact that I tend to be on the indecisive side doesn’t help in situations where the clock is ticking. I’ll eat ice cream, for certain. With the above mentions of Lindt chocolates, I am now battling that craving. One thing for certain, I will not shave my legs for this…

  7. Oh no, Wendy. You have wasted all your energy in writing this post. We are a day ahead of you and nothing has happened yet. But there are still a few hours left on the Saturday – you did mean May 21 didn’t you? So I will :
    Empty the drinks cupboard by drinking it all. Won’t have to worry then if the world does end today.
    If it doesn’t I am going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow!!! 🙂

  8. I need to do all the same, especially #1 and #7. I purposely put off shaving the legs so I’d have some extra fur during that terrible cold and rainy zoo field trip Wednesday.

    Thanks for the laugh. I needed it!

    • Glad you got a laugh out of it, Annie! I really did buy new underwear today, but not because of what may or may not happen tomorrow! I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs (which is probably TMI – my bad). Have a good weekend…maybe… Wendy

  9. Margie

    Apparently the non-believers and non-Christians will be left on earth to suffer until October 21, which means you can likely make your list much longer and still have lots of time to take a summer holiday too…

  10. kim

    I’m getting a mammogram. I scheduled it for the morning so I wouldn’t die with my boob squished between two pieces of metal.

  11. If it happens, boy howdy am I ready. 🙂
    I have cleaned all the bathrooms today so the next occupants can get right to the Bible, which is usually on the side table in the living room.
    I also grocery shopped this week, so the pantries are full. If, indeed, a good portion of the world disappears tomorrow, well, I imagine there will be a run on food.
    Whoever gets my house…will be thankful for all the food.
    I will see a lot of my friends and family in heaven…alas, I won’t see so many more.
    Nice to know where I am going.

  12. I feel like I live in a cave–I had no idea I was suppose to plan for a Rapture–until someone asked what I was wearing…I am still uncertain but undies without holes for sure!

  13. I plan on getting a big piece of german chocolate cake from Amy’s Bread and eating it starting at one minute before 6pm, in front of my boss who has a deadly nut allergy. The theory being that if we’re both saved, I’ll share it with her because her nut allergy will be gone, and if we’re not, I still have cake. And a weapon, where she is concerned.

    • Welcome to Hammond River, Accidental Stepmom (I’m a stepmom, too!). I think your plan is brilliant! German Chocolate Cake is one of my favourite things in the world! Wendy

  14. Jess Witkins

    Ha! Due to the time zone factor, I’ll be dead at 5 pm, so I won’t be making supper!

    Let’s see, I’m going to eat the entire contents of my cupboard because it won’t matter. Throw my fish owl pills out the car window. And take up hiking again, cause the view from the top of the bluff just might be worth the funnel cloud of impending doom.

    • Curious about “fish owl” pills, Jess…must be a Wisconsin thing…LOL! I totally think you guys should go on another hike…just maybe not in the same location! Wendy

  15. ordinarygoodness

    This is so funny Wendy. Well done….laughter is sooo important.
    It is almost 4pm Sat 21 May 2011 here in Porirua New Zealand and all is well so far.
    We are meant to be babysitting our wee grandson tonight at 7pm while his busy parents enjoy a meal out together. They work so hard and are really looking forward to having some time together so I hope it all pans out for us all:-)
    Good wishes

  16. I’m checking out my neighbors’ stuff, so, if I’m still here, I’ll know which houses to loot.

  17. Either it’s not happening because I’m still here- it’s Saturday where I am- or I didn’t make the cut and none of my friends did either cuz they’re also still here. I’ll check in on my US friends tomorrow to see who’s left…

  18. I think I’ll spend the money on a housekeeper and cook for the day while I go to the spa for the day instead of work. I’d love to come home to a beautifully cleaned home and supper waiting after a relaxing day at the spa.

    Since we don’t need our clothes wear we are going I will rent a big old hottub for in my yard and sink in up to my chin and drink some wine and wait.

    Blessings on your day, Jeanne

  19. I love number 3. My plants might as well throw in the towel. As for shaving legs, may I suggest waxing? Lasts longer.

    On my to do list is to write and schedule at least five more posts, so that the folks left behind will have something to remember me by. That, and take out the trash so it doesn’t end up stinking up my little abode.

    • I don’t even like getting my eyebrows waxed, Monica (although I do it)…I had all three of my children “naturally”, and I think the waxing hurts more! Darn…must remember to eat, and take out the trash… Wendy

  20. I must have been living and working in a cave in Afghanistan. This rushed to me yesterday. And, now I have to finish my To Do List. Darn! I did all this dieting and Zumba for what?
    I may need a drink! Many drinks.

  21. You’re funny…”It’s been really nice knowing you.”
    And it’s been real nice knowing you too. Thank you for your nice comments and welcoming me by paying attention.

  22. Now that the time has come and gone I’m glad I didn’t spend time trying to come up with a list. I’d never be able to compete with you, Wendy!

  23. This made me laugh. There are two types of War and Peace readers: those who skim the battle scenes and those who skim the romance scenes (and in my experience they do not divide equally across the genders).

    Happy Post Rapture.

    • I read it years ago (probably more than 30!), but I truly don’t remember any of War and Peace, Leanne! It’s probably a good thing I’m still here, so I can read for comprehension this time! Wendy

  24. Pingback: Rapture or Coincidence? Your Call….

  25. Wow, you thought of everything! On my list was “wear a comfortable bra,” even though I planned to remove it as soon as I got above cloud line.

    • Welcome to Hammond River, Merrily Marylee! I’ve never been there, but I’m pretty sure heaven is a “bra-free” zone (hence the name: “heaven”)! Come back any time for tea! Wendy

  26. Well, it appears we’re all still here. Good thing, too, because I never got to #7. 😉

  27. Thanks for the disclaimer. I was worried for a minute! Great post.

  28. Sorry the Rapture didn’t come. You would have looked pretty impressive clutching War and Peace as you were sucked up to heaven. I always carry War and Peace with me so I can say I was reading it at the same time something memorable happened.

  29. Now that the end isn’t so near, how’d you do on your list?

    • Let’s just say that I have new underwear, the plants are watered, the dog is clean (at least he was until somebody let him out into the freshly mowed back yard – now his feet are green), and the recycling has been deposited into the community bins, Peggy…thanks for checking up on me!


  30. I’m surprised there’s no potato chips on the rapture list Wendy?? How could you? 😉
    The only thing I can think of right now is to spend my last day alive lying in a hammock with Ishaan (Hubby’s optional :P), drinking endless gin and tonics (with a caprioska or two thrown in to make things interesting), eat every packet of Lay’s ridged potato chips that I can lay my hands on and just chill. Hah…how simple my Heaven 🙂

    Loved this post!!

    Hugs, H.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s