How To Clean an 184-Year-Old Building…by the Employees of Cleaners ‘R’ Us

1. Arrive in your company car, which closely resembles a dark blue roller skate.  Remove your vacuum cleaner and cleaning supplies from the trunk.  Slam trunk hard enough to rattle the windows of the building.

2. Trudge up the steps with your burden, and enter the building while complaining loudly to your co-worker about your aching body parts.  Ignore the sign, reading “Please close this door,” on the beautiful curved mahogany front door with leaded glass…you won’t be there long anyway.  Who cares if those people in the bookstore get cold?  The inside door also has leaded glass, and an automatic closer…do nothing to prevent it slamming.  They have that glass at Wal-Mart, don’t they?

3. Stomp up the stairs to the architect’s office.  Vacuum the carpet in the office, making sure to chip paint off the baseboards with the powerhead while making loud thumps.  Slam the office door on your way out.

4. Vacuum the stairway.  It is important never to lift the machine, but bounce it down the stairs, while bashing the powerhead into the wall repeatedly on each step.

5. Make a call on your cell phone.  You’ve worked hard…you deserve a break!  Talk loudly about something important, like what happened on the episode of Jersey Shore you watched last night.  If there are customers in the bookstore, double the volume of your voice.

6. Lift the entrance mat, and heave it out of the way, letting it drop with a thud.  Never stop chatting with your co-worker – she really wants to know the weather for Tuesday!  Using your mop, do a quick run over the tile floor, using the handle as a battering ram on the hall baseboards as you go.  Under no circumstances are you to talk to the people in the bookstore.  They’re readers…everyone knows that readers are dangerous!

7. Wash the windows in the doors, even though the leading makes them hard to see through.  Slam the door every time you come back in.

8.  Clean the bathroom.  Take the bag out of the garbage can, and don’t replace it until you’re ready to leave.  Those people can carry their used paper towels up the hallway to the store and throw them away!  Be sure to throw the door open hard enough to jangle the spring on the doorstop (bonus points for dislodging it from the wall completely)!  Don’t forget to fold the end of the toilet paper into a point!

9. Go back to your car.  Drop vacuum and cleaning supplies back in the trunk.  Slam the trunk and your car doors once again.  Drive away.  Don’t forget to come again next week!


Note: This satirical piece is based on my weekly experience with the company employed by the landlord to clean the building our bookstore is in…it is not intended to represent common practice for this or any other cleaner.  However, if I were paying these women, they wouldn’t be employed long!  I miss our old cleaning lady, Joanna, who was lovely…sadly, she left to go back to school!


Filed under rants, satire

24 responses to “How To Clean an 184-Year-Old Building…by the Employees of Cleaners ‘R’ Us

  1. There is probably a connection between how they act and how well they clean.

  2. I think I’d have to fire them too, Wendy. What a hoot–sad, but funny.

  3. Ah, Drill Sargeant style cleaning. I guess that’s better than Gentle Pat cleaning. I like your new photo!

  4. Oh my… They should change their name to Crappy Crabby Cleaners.

  5. Love it, Wendy! Glad you’re back and runnin’!

  6. Wendy, though sad for you, going back to school is a good thing for Joanna. But I have to say, I would never want those cleaning people you describe to come to my house. I could do a better job by asking my dog, Henry to help me. LOL!

  7. Oh nooooo! I should have warned you. They came to my house once. Broke a piece of precious Lladró, slammed the vacuum cleaner around the wooden dining room chairs and legs, dinged the baseboards and left a plant in the kitchen on my wood surfaced coffee table, leaving a water ring!

  8. jacquelincangro

    I don’t think this is limited to cleaning people. I had a few folks like this come to my apartment when I remodeled my kitchen. The plumber in particular excelled at # 5.

  9. So glad you can see the humor! Me? I’d have a splitting headache and wouldn’t be able to think straight.

  10. Not everyone is as dedicated as we are, Wendy! Great post, though.

  11. I worked for years in a factory that specialized in replacement windows. Some of those old, leaded glass windows can cost into the thousands to replace. I think the landlord should make a call to the cleaning company and let them know that “If they break it, they pay for it!”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s