My Rapture To Do List…

Word is that the world is coming to an end tomorrow night at 6 p.m. EDT (which is 7:00 our time…couldn’t it be earlier so I don’t  have to make supper?).  I’ve made a list of things I need to do before then, just in case*:

1. Buy new underwear (sale at Giant Tiger 5/$5 – wonder if they’ll let me buy just one pair?). My mom always told me that when I go somewhere, to be sure I didn’t wear raggy underwear.

2. Finish income tax. Even though I won’t be around to cash the refund cheque, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I got it done (3 weeks late…whatever!).

3. Water plants. At least they’ll be able to cling to life for an extra couple of days after I’m gone!

4. Bathe the dog. I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a crowd with a stinky Schnoodle.

5. Take the recycling to the bins. Maybe the next civilization can figure out what to do with my old shampoo bottles!

6. Cancel the newspaper and magazine subscriptions. After tomorrow, I won’t care what our government is up to, and won’t need to know how to knit a toilet paper cozy.

7. Shave my legs. I don’t know what the styles are like where we’re going, but I’m thinking the “Caveman Look” isn’t going to fly.

8. Finish War and Peace. Oh wait, I already did that…maybe I’ll read it again…

9. Beat my buddy, Mike, at online Scrabble…he wins 85% of the time now and I’m not sure if they have Facebook there.

10. Watch a science fiction movie that Jim likes that doesn’t have a hot guy in it, just so I can say that I did.  Normally, I don’t do science fiction…I’m one of the few people on earth who has never seen any of the Star Wars or Star Trek movies in their entirety!  However, I have been known to make the odd exception for movies like Source Code (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Inception (Leonardo DiCaprio).

What’s on your Rapture To Do List?

* This is a satirical piece written for entertainment purposes.  I do not pretend to be an expert on this subject.  If it offends you, I am sorry that you don’t have a better sense of humour…

Facebook Ads That Made Me Go “Hmmm”…Spring Edition

Last fall, I wrote a post about the ads that show up in the sidebar on Facebook while I’m trying to concentrate on my extremely crucial games of Scrabble, Lexulous, Wordscraper, Bejewelled Blitz, Hexagonized, Jeopardy, and Bomboozle…the marketers are still after me!

For goodness sake...keep your voice down! Someone might hear you!

The ad said:  “1 Tip for Wrinkles

Dermatologists don’t want you knowing this $5 wrinkle secret.”

My response:

Dear Wrinkle Guy:

I already know how to get wrinkles!  I got mine the natural way: from my children (and there were those years of picking fruit and vegetables in full sun with no sunscreen).  I didn’t pay money for them (the wrinkles or my children!).  Maybe Oprah can afford $5 for her wrinkles, but I can’t!  Besides, she’s steered me wrong before…I bought Ursula Hegi’s Stones from the River because it was one of Oprah’s Book Club picks…it was so depressing, I was tempted to call Dr. Phil!  What were we talking about again?

That doll's creepy...let's just leave her hidden, shall we?

The ad said: “New Hidden Object Game

Play the new addicting hidden object game on Facebook!”

My response:

Dear Game Pimps:

I am already hopelessly addicted to seven of your games (see 1st paragraph of this post), which I play when I’m not reading/commenting on one of the more than 50 blogs that I follow, or writing my own blog.  I’m not quite sleeping at the keyboard yet, but that’s coming soon!  Besides, I spend a good deal of my real life looking for “hidden objects”: books that somebody’s ordered in our bookstore, Jim’s keys, teenagers’ homework, cellphones, iPod earbuds, the jeans with the diagonal pocket on the left hip, shoes, cheerleading Spankies, etc.  Thanks but no thanks!

She looks awfully happy about her profession...

The ad said: “$84/hr At Home Jobs

Can you type? Get paid $84/hr working from home.  Requirements: Computer”

My response:

Dear Mr. Scammer:

I can think of very few jobs where one can make $84 working at home…none of them require a computer or typing ability, and at least a couple of them are illegal.  I suspect that my body type would be unsuitable for the type of employment you have in mind…I also hate having my picture taken!  Find another sucker!

Kobo is for dodos...

The ad said: “Reading from your iPad?

Click here to get 20% off eBook Coupon!  Kobo has more than 2 millions of FREE eBooks and low-priced bestsellers.  get yours now!”

My response:

Dear Dodo Kobo:

I do not own an iPad, or a smart phone.  I do not Tweet, and I’m the world’s slowest texter.  When I read, I read books with paper pages…they are rarely bestsellers (unless they were bestsellers of the 1860s!).  If your last “sentence” is an example of the material available in your eBooks, I hereby offer my services as an editor.  I can help you reel in more live ones convince more people to buy your product!  I’ll use the money you pay me to buy real books!

Funcheez...really?

The ad said: “Try NEW Funcheez

Let your imagination go wild with NEW Black Diamond Funcheez Marbelicious Moons and Planets.”

My response:

Dear Black Diamond:

Even though I have a sentimental fondness for your brand of cheese since it’s made in Belleville, Ontario, where I went to high school, I feel compelled to comment on your latest marketing idea.  You’ve mispelled “cheese”, and “fun” and “cheese” should be two words.  Moons and planets?  I hope you didn’t make a “Pluto”!  When I grew up, the only cheese “shapes” we had were fresh curd purchased direct from the cheese factory on a Sunday drive…yummy!  The Black Diamond cheese I buy for my family comes in rectangles…I buy the 500-gram one (which used to be 700 grams but is getting smaller all the time!).  By the way, we’re running low…how about sending me some coupons?

Advertisers…you can’t fool this old fool!

  

Facebook Ads That Made Me Go “Hmmm”…

 

My name is Wendy, and I’m a recovering Facebook addict (since I started blogging, I have a lot less time for Facebook now!).  I no longer have a farm on Farm Town, but I still play Scrabble, Lexulous, Wordscraper, Hexagonized and Bejeweled Blitz.   Because of my penchant for word/puzzle games, I get to see sidebar advertising on Facebook that is supposedly selected with me in mind…here is a sample of what I saw down the right side when I clicked in to play Scrabble this morning:

Wow...those are some sparkly lips!

The ad said: “FREE Samples Oct. 28

Hurry, these will go fast!  Top brands giving away free samples.  Enter your email to qualify”

My response:

Dear Random Sample Company,

I am not hopeful that coating my decidely un-Angelie Jolie-like lips in heavy metal is going to improve my appearance or my love life…what else have you got?  How about those invisible boob-lifters…do you have any of those?  I also like neat earrings.  My address is attached…please pack whatever you send carefully…our post office uses parcels for soccer games at lunchtime.

I could run all day for the rest of my life and not look like this...

The ad said: “Mom’s Weight Loss Rule

How to flatten that stubborn mid section effectively.  It really works, just read this story.  You have nothing to lose.”

My response:

Dear Seriously-Delusional Weight Loss Guru:

I could only look like the girl in the picture if:

a. I had not had three children over a 12-year period.

b. I stop including potato chips as one of the four food groups. 

c. I get more exercise than walking from the computer to the kitchen to get a snack.

d. I have extensive plastic surgery (full body/facial package) after a steamroller runs over my midsection repeatedly.

You say that I have “nothing to lose.”  On the contrary…it’s probably about 50 lbs. 

Signing off to take my brownies out of the oven.

I could eat a lot of pudding for $5000!

The ad said: “Be a Pudding Investigator

Enter for a chance to win $5000 plus weekly prizes.  Join Kozy Shack in investigating the ingredients in your pudding.”

My response:

Dear Kozy Shack:

 Sign me up.  I could really use $5000!  I feel it only fair to warn you that I suck at science, so any “investigation” of pudding ingredients I make will probably be rudimentary.  Also, I’m lactose-intolerant, so I generally avoid pudding all together (let’s just say that bad things happen when I eat it!).  I have attached my address so that you can forward the cheque.

Art??? I think not...

The ad said: “Unleash your inner artist

Realize your artistic potential on the Amex fan page and you could win a trip for two to NYC!”

My response:

Dear Amex,

I don’t have one of  your cards…my income is significantly less than your minimum requirement (and I get paid in ice cream).  I believe I reached my artistic potential in kindergarten when we glued string and macaroni on to cardboard, painted it, and then sprinkled it with glitter.  I humbly suggest that your pictured artwork might be more powerful if the big blue blotch were on the right instead of the left side.  I really don’t want to go to New York City…it’s crowded, noisy and scary!  I would love to visit my brother, who lives near Ottawa…could you throw in four more tickets so the kids could go too?  Oh, one more thing: I don’t fly Air Canada…it has to be WestJet (we’ll need a limo to Moncton, because they only fly out of Saint John in the summertime)!  Looking forward to our trip!