Tag Archives: love

‘Twixt, ‘Tween, and Twain…An Exclusive Interview

I had just played a 28-point word in online Scrabble (take that, Mondo!) when I heard the doorbell ring.  I hadn’t even heard a car, and I wasn’t expecting anybody.  Jake began to bark his head off.

I looked out the window before opening the back door…there was an old man standing on my back step.  There was a buggy parked in the driveway under my crabapple tree!  What the hell?  I opened the door a crack. “Yes?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m sorry to bother you, Madam, but I seem to be lost,” said the man.  “I heard there were fiddleheads in these parts…I’ve travelled all the way from Connecticut so that I may taste them.”

Okay…he’s old and looking for fiddleheads…probably not an axe-murderer, I thought.  “I’m sorry, Sir, but you’re a few weeks early for fiddlehead season, but you’re welcome to come in for a cup of tea and some pie!”

“Thank you,” he answered as he came in the house.  I grabbed Jake to keep him from jumping on the man’s white suit.

“I’m sorry, Mr. –?”

“Clemens,” he replied, giving Jake a look that told me he wasn’t a dog person.  “Sam Clemens.  If animals could speak the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow, but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”

“I don’t have a cat…my fiancé’s allergic.”  Wait a minute…Sam Clemens…that sounded familiar, I thought, searching my almost 50-year-old brain.  Holy crap!  “Not the Sam Clemens!  You can’t be him!  He’s been dead for 100 years!” I sputtered.

“The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated,” he smiled.  “Now how about that pie you promised?”

“Okay,” I agreed, reasoning that I might have overindulged in cold medication, and that I was having a hallucination.  I showed the visitor to a chair in the living room, and readied the food.

As I returned to the living room, I noticed the man had lit a pipe…damn!  “Do you mind putting that out, please?  Jim’s allergic to that too!”

“As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.”  He grumpily put the pipe into his pocket.

“So you came all the way from Connecticut?  Our weather must seem quite different to you,” I commented, hoping I didn’t sound too lame…my ability to make small talk is limited.

The old man was staring at Jim’s big screen TV as he replied, “The weather has been a good deal of a disappointment. Canada has a reputation for magnificent winter weather…but the result this time has been a mess of characterless weather, which all right-feeling Canadians are probably ashamed of.  Well, never mind, what you lack in weather you make up in the means of grace.”

Then I had a crazy idea (not that I wasn’t feeling crazy already talking to a dead man!): “Mr. Clemens, as long as you’re here, I’d really like to interview you and publish the story on my blog…would that be all right?”

“What’s a blog?” he asked curiously.

“Well, it’s kind of like a diary that people around the world can read if they want to.”

He looked pleased, “People around the world have read my books!  I’ll do it!”

The Visitor...photo from openinglines.org

What follows is the transcript of my exclusive interview with Samuel Clemens, also known as Mark Twain:

Writerwoman61: What is your philosophy of life?

MT: Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

Writerwoman61: What is the secret to your success?

MT: The secret to getting ahead is getting started.

Writerwoman61: Are you happy with the person you are?

MT: The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.

Writerwoman61:  Everyone likes to be right…does it bother you when people think you’re wrong?

MT: Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Writerwoman61: What happens when you lose your temper?

MT: When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Writerwoman61: You must get depressed sometimes…how do you pull yourself out of it?

MT: The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Writerwoman61: How do you deal with people who put you down?

MT: Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Writerwoman61: What about people who are just using you for their own gain?

MT: Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Writerwoman61: How do you feel about honesty?

MT: If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Writerwoman61: What do you think of our politicians?

MT: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Writerwoman61: What about political speeches?

MT: If we were supposed to talk more than listen we would have been given two mouths and one ear.

Writerwoman61: Are you optimistic about the younger generation?

MT: The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Writerwoman61: What is the biggest problem with young people today?

MT: Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Writerwoman61: How important is a college degree?

MT: Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.

Writerwoman61:  When trying to understand something, how important is it to ask questions?

MT: He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Writerwoman61: Do you have any advice about love?

MT: If you want love and abundance in your life, give it away.

Writerwoman61: Is one happier when one is in love?

MT: To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Writerwoman61: How do you find the right person?

MT: When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Writerwoman61: Once you’ve found that special person, then what?

MT: Let your joy be unconfined!

Writerwoman61: How do you want to remembered?

MT: Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

*********

I jerked awake when my alarm went off.  “I had the weirdest dream…” I told Jim.

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Filed under history, satire

Simple Things I Am Thankful For…

Today is Thanksgiving in the United States, where I was born and spent the first eight years of my life.  We are not celebrating Thanksgiving in Canada today (we had it last month), but with all the disturbing things going on in the world right now, it makes me think of the things in my life I am thankful for.  Here they are, in the order I’ve thought of them:

1. A Healthy Love Relationship.  I am thankful to have found a man who loves me, works hard, is an amazing father, and would rather cut off his right arm than hurt me or our children.

2. A Loving Family.  We definitely argue, but I don’t know what we would do without each other. 

3. Clean Water.  We can turn on a tap and have an almost unlimited amount of clean water!

4. Clean Air.  The air that we breathe is very clean, and smells good most of the time.   

5. Plentiful, Fresh Food.  We can go to a store and buy nearly anything we need, or grow it ourselves in uncontaminated soil.  We have a refrigerator and a freezer to help keep the food preserved.  We have a stove and a microwave to cook the food. 

6. A Roof Over Our Heads.  I can’t imagine not having a warm, clean place to come home to.

7. Freedom of Movement.  I can go where I want, when I want to, without being afraid. 

8. Freedom of Speech.  I have the right to say, write, read, or listen to almost anything without fear of repercussion (within libel/slander laws).

9. The Right to Vote.  Thanks to some outspoken women who came before me, women in Canada have had the right to vote in federal elections since 1919. 

10. The Ability to Read and Write.  I could not live without books, and writing keeps me sane.  The ability to read allows me to learn new things every day.

11. Government-Sponsored Health Care.  If my child is ill, I can take her to the doctor without worrying about how to afford the treatment.

12. Music.  Good music makes me feel a huge range of emotions…there are so many talented musicians in our world.

Please take a moment to think about all the simple things you are thankful for…

I hope that all my family and friends have a wonderful holiday!  Thank you for taking time from your busy day to visit me in Hammond River!

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Filed under books, family, food, friends, music

Looking for Love…

A couple of days ago, my friend over at Hippie Cahier gave us a writing assignment: http://hippiecahier.wordpress.com/2010/10/05/tell-me-a-story-or-poem-or-whatever/

Here’s my take on it:

PERSONALS

“A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference” Single grey male, nothing much to look at, seeks like female to share his humble abode. Must have brains and be able to participate in two-way conversations. Would like someone who knows how to properly prepare thistles. Construction ability preferred as house is continually collapsing. Detail-oriented personality desirable – must be able to keep track of birthdays and lost tails. Medical training an asset to treat accidental injuries. Thanks for noticing me! I don’t expect this to work. Please call Eeyore at 555-POOH.

Eeyore

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Filed under books, satire