Tag Archives: malaprop

A Premature Passing; Pecans, Pesto, and Pizza; and the Plowman Pops In…

The past week was pronounced…no matter how I persevered, people persisted in being a pain in my patoot:

1. A Premature Passing.  On Wednesday night, I was poking into the family photo albums, looking for the prized pictures of phenom puck-passer, Wayne Gretzky, for the post I published for his prestigious birthday.  As I perused the pages, my dad was peering over my shoulder.  “Oh, was that when Anna was cremated?  You looked good there!” he proclaimed.

Taking pains to prevent the peals of laughter that would probably provoke my pop, I parried with “I think we’ll wait until after Anna dies to cremate her (my very much alive 16-year-old was standing next to me at the time).” 

Putting on a pained expression, Dad picked up on his mistake.  “You know I meant christened,” he pouted.

Anna...not quite ready to be cremated...

 

2. Pecans, Pesto, and Pizza.  Thursday, the “powers that be” proclaimed a snow day for public school pupils.  My “pets” pronounced it “Piss Off A Parent Day.”  Anna and Hope passed the day at the bookstore with me, plundering my purse for every penny.  They prevailed that they were “parched” and might “perish” if their pleas for payment were pooh-poohed.  When not pestering me, they picked at each other.  Anna proposed patronizing Pomodori for supper.  Jim and I permitted it, since I had no prior plan for our evening meal.  I ordered the Spinach Salad with Sugared Pecans, Feta, and Figs, something I’d been pumped to partake of.  The progeny both had Chicken Pesto Pizza, and Jim got Spicy Italian Sausage Pizza with hot peppers.  After paying with pre-purchased gift cards, we polished off our plates, and the girls took some pizza home in a package.

3. The Plowman Pops In.  I preach to people I know that I’ve got “the best plow guy in the world.”  He was that every other day but last Thursday.  On our way home from Pomodori, my phone rang.  My dad called to tell me he was stuck partway down the driveway…he had tried to power his way through the plentiful snowdrifts…the plow guy had not been there at all that day.  As we approached, we saw Dad shovelling behind the paused vehicle.  That was when the plow guy made his appearance, approaching from the other direction.  Jim parked by the side of the road, and the girls and I plunged through the knee-deep snow towards the house to get more shovels.  When we got there, we were exhausted.  I changed my socks and was at the door putting on my boots, when the plow guy came to the door.  He asked if I wanted to pay him!  I was more than a little peeved, thinking I’d be more inclined to pay him if he’d shown up before my dad’s car got buried up to its rims in pesky precipitation!  I wrote him a cheque (a preposterous amount, since he hadn’t asked for payment all winter!), and then waited as he plowed near the house so that I could get back out to where Dad’s car was.  I made it just in time for his car to be freed, and for Jim’s battery to die at the end of the driveway.  Dad parked his car in front of the garage, and then helped me push Jim’s car until it started again.  It was after 8 by the time we got in the house!  We plunked down on the couch.  We were all pooped!  Our pooch was pleased to see us…he parked himself on my chest and pushed his head up under my chin.  After a few minutes of “puppy love” the pains of our predicament were forgotten…

Puppy Love...(photo by Hope)

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Dear Earl…

September 4, 2010

Dear Earl:

I am writing to express my deep disappointment that you chose not to make an appearance today in Hammond River…That imposter you sent was hardly up to your standards!  Do you call that rain?  I can spit harder than that!  And wind?  It barely messed up my hair! 

We worked really hard to get ready for your visit!  I picked everything that was ready in the garden.  The kids took down everything but the frame of the trampoline…

Kids working on the trampoline...

Jim used bungee cords to lash our lawn furniture to a tree…

Our lawn furniture isn't going anywhere...

Jim also brought all the bird feeders in the house, except one, which was buzzing…he decided to leave that one out on the porch.

I had the menu all planned: tuna sandwiches and cheese and crackers (because we assumed that your presence would not have a favourable affect on our electricity).  Instead, we were forced to eat spaghetti sauce made from our garden tomatoes:

Freshly-peeled tomatoes...

Sauce cooking...

The finished product on some radiatori pasta...yummy!

The kids watched a little TV (or a BIG TV, as it turns out), something else we didn’t think we’d be able to do (we had board games on standby).  Deal or No Deal was on.  The contestant was from Alaska.  Hope asked Anna, “Does she live in a snow globe?”  When Anna broke into hysterical fits of laughter, Hope corrected herself…”I meant an igloo!” she said.  Anna assured her that the woman probably lived in a house or an apartment.

Once the rain stopped, Jake had fun with his little friend on the deck, who was helping himself to the formerly buzzing birdfeeder…

Jake watching the chipmunk fill his cheeks...

As you can see, we had a fine time without you.  I think our friendship is over, and we never want to see you again.

Regards,

Wendy

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How to Be Featured in “The Blog”…A Guide for Family Members…

Since I officially have 100 blog posts under my belt (I can’t see them because of the “muffin top” but they’re there, somewhere!), I feel qualified to write this handy guide for family members of bloggers around the world…any resemblance to persons living or dead (except members of my own family) is purely coincidental.  Here are ten things that will get the blogger in your family to talk about you in his/her therapy session  blog:

1. Be talented at something.  I have featured both my 16-year-old daughter, Anna, (https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/05/17/introducing-anna-guest-photographer/ and https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/05/22/introducing-anna-guest-photographer-part-2/ ) and my fiancé, Jim, (https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/04/25/introducing-jim-guest-photographer/ ) for being incredible photographers.  Jim and his son, Devin, are also my live-in Tech Support people…all I have to say is, “Dammit!  We’re off the Net again!” and one of them comes running!  Hope is a good singer – I talked about her entering Saint John Idol (https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/07/09/sweating-and-small-stuff/ ).  I have highlighted Brianna and Anna in posts about being a reluctant “Cheer Mom” (https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/04/26/adventures-of-a-reluctant-cheer%c2%a0mom%e2%80%a6/ and https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/05/09/adventures-of-a-reluctant-cheer-mom-part-2/ ).  Being really bad at something works too – until recently, I was totally incapable of making piecrust, and mentioned it all the time (https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/06/02/my-bucket-list/ and https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/07/22/can-she-make-a-cherry-pie/ ).

2. Give a word a whole new definition.  Twelve-year-old Hope was asked by her older sister last week what a “Lamborghini” was.  “I think it’s a type of noodle?” she responded hopefully.

3. Have a freak accident.  You may have to wait for the blogger to call the ambulance…she’ll be busy photographing your pool of blood for her blog (okay…I’ve never done this myself, but I have talked about when I went through a glass door when I was seven (https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/06/21/its-all-about-me/ ), when Anna fell into the blackberry bushes, and when Hope fell off her too-high heels (https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/08/29/todays-post-is-brought-to-you-by-the-letter-p/).  Readers love hearing about other people’s pain!

4. Turn the TV/rap music/computer game up really loudly while the blogger is working on the daily post (so loudly that the neighbours call to complain).  This will inevitably lead to a rant in the blog about the joys of raising a family while attempting to practice one’s craft.  Interrupting the writing session with inane questions like “What are we having for supper?” will have the same result.

5. Say something funny.  Hope was riding in the van with her two much older sisters on the way to a Backstreet Boys concert.  Upon being informed that she wasn’t born yet when they were popular, she observed: “I missed a lot when I was in Mom’s stomach.  It was boring in that egg!” (thank you to the Health Education teacher at Hope’s middle school – I think that perhaps Hope didn’t quite grasp the egg concept!).

6. Be cute.  It also helps to be fuzzy and have four legs – I’ve featured our schnoodle, Jake, many times (https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/04/02/a-girl-and-her-dog/ and https://writerwoman61.wordpress.com/2010/07/12/my-dog-ate-it-again/ , among others).  Most pet owners will probably have to read this tip to their pets (Jake didn’t need any help…he’s checking his e-mail as we speak!).

7. Do something annoying, like putting your dishes in the sink when the dishwasher’s not full, leaving food wrappers open, or depositing a wet towel in the hamper.  This is guaranteed to gain you a place in the blogger’s next rant!

8. Be considerate and loving.  I have talked about how grateful I am for all of my family members (when they’re not driving me nuts with things like those in #7).  Anna and Hope made supper on Monday, Jim made it last night, and Devin and Brianna will cook on Friday – it’s a new thing we’re trying, called “Give Mom a Break!”

9. Have a personal crisis (lose your job, be bullied at school, have a bad hair day, get dumped by your girlfriend, etc.).  The blogger will probably mention it and even ask for advice about it in his blog.  Who needs therapy when you can have input from readers all over the globe?

10. Mispronounce a word.  Anna recently pronounced “Mafia” with the same accent as you would say “Sophia” (I blame French immersion).  Ditto on using the wrong word for something – the blogger will need to share that.

P.S. It is usually completely useless to beg the blogger not to feature you in his blog, although I have been known to consider it (note to the kids: I like the green bills with the Queen on them).

Okay…now for the serious part…Thank you to my family for being such good sports about my blog…without you, I wouldn’t have any good material!

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The “There Should Be an Award For That” Awards…

1. The “Miss Malaprop” Award.  Winner: Hope.  Last week, we were having supper, and Jim mentioned that he was having trouble with his sinuses again.  Hope offered to let him use her “nozzle spray” (Jim finally saw the specialist today – he needs surgery to scoop the stuff out of his sinuses and fix his deviated septum).

Hope's "Nozzle Spray"...

2. The “Sadistic Parents” Award.  Winners: Mr. and Mrs. Dull.   This week, I evaluated a book called A Battle History of The Imperial Japanese Navy (1941-1945).  It was written by a guy named Paul S. Dull.  Unless his middle name is something like “Sigmund,” I would probably be using that one rather than “Paul” (especially since he’s an academic!).

Book by Paul S. Dull...

3. The “Blonde Moment” Award.  Winner: Mia Michaels, So You Think You Can Dance judge.  Last night, Adichiké did a big jump during a duet with Kent.  Mia said he looked like a “giselle.”  Both Nigel and Adam quickly corrected her.

It's "gazelle!"

4. The “Most Moving Choreography Ever” Award.  Winner: Travis Wall, choreographer on So You Think You Can Dance.  Last night, Robert and Allison danced a piece to Coldplay‘s “Fix You” depicting Travis and his mother, Denise, who was facing major surgery.  My mom was chronically ill for the last 23 years of her life…I was bawling so hard, I was literally wailing.

Robert and Allison making everybody cry...

5. The “Most Birds on a Feeder” Award.  Winner: The goldfinches in our back yard.  We have had as many as seven at once on the finch feeder.  Second place: The blue jays.  Their record is four (but they don’t play very well together).

Five yellow birds on the finch feeder (taken by Jim)...

6. The “Worst Title for a Kids Book” Award.  Winner: Felicity Hayle.  This British author titled her 1958 children’s story “Our Brother Nick and the Tattooed Gardener.”

Another book in the "Our Brother Nick" series...

7. The “Yummiest Veggies” Award.  Winner: the first green/yellow/purple beans of the season from our garden.  We had them tonight with BBQ chicken and veggie burgers…yummy!

These purple beans turn green when cooked...

8. The “Shortest Career” Award.  Winner: Hope.  She announced on Tuesday that she was going to be the “Mommy” that day.  She did laundry (minor glitch with putting laundry detergent in the fabric softener dispenser, but we figured it out – not easy over the phone) and cooked supper (macaroni and cheese, peas).  When asked after supper if she still wanted to be the “Mommy,” Hope said, “Meh.”

Mommy for a day...

9. The “Multiplying Sock” Award.  Winner: Our family.  With seven people, we have enough socks to fill a small room.  None of them are ever together with their mates.  I hate matching them, and the girls seem incapable of wearing socks the same colour at the same time.

My sock pile is considerably larger than this one...

10. The “Mind-Reading” Award.  Winner: Jim’s mom.  Hope asked at supper last night if Grammy was having a birthday party for Jim and I.  Less than two minutes later, the phone rang – the party is Wednesday night.

Jim's mom on New Year's Eve...

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