This is the final installment in a 3-part series chronicling The Jolie‘s visit to Saint John, New Brunswick. I would like to thank my friend, Omawarisan, for his
crazy idea ingenius plan that seems to have brought so much joy to my readers…this series was also incredibly fun to write! Thanks again to Jim for driving all over town and putting up with rude stares as he photographically recorded The Jolie’s tour (he did all the touristy shots and labelled them too – he’s a lover, not a speller!).
If you haven’t read the first two parts, please take a few minutes and catch up…read quickly…The Jolie is anxious to be on her way!
Here’s the disclaimer (again): This piece is purely for entertainment purposes and has no basis in fact (all Saint John tourist information is correct). Any resemblance to living people (except my family) is coincidental.
We left off Part 2 with The Jolie
terrorizing exploring the Saint John City Market. The Jolie did have an unpleasant encounter with the proprietor of one of the local fishmongers…for fun, I told her that “swimming with the lobsters” was a tradition in New Brunswick, kind of like swimming with the dolphins (a total lie!). Well, The Jolie was bound and determined she was going to do it! When she saw the lobster tank at the Market, she demanded to speak to the Manager. The guy came out from behind the counter, and extended his hand to The Jolie…she ignored it. “I want to swim with the lobsters! I came a long way to do that!” The manager calmly explained that she might have some germs on her that could make the live lobsters ill. “Do you think I don’t shower?” The Jolie asked indignantly. While assuring her that everyone has germs, even movie stars, he offered to pack up a couple of big lobsters for her to take home. The Jolie grudgingly agreed, “Well, I suppose…they probably taste better than Cambodian cockroaches. Can you send the lobsters to Nunavut? That’s where I’m headed after this.” The manager wrote down the address, and promised to ship the crustaceans to the Far North right away.
Our next stop was King’s Square, which is across the street from the Market’s Charlotte St. entrance. Until the mid-19th century, the Square was pretty primitive…people came to draw water from public wells, to view criminals in the pillory, or to celebrate special occasions with an ox roast. The militia used it for training, and the butchers in town slaughtered their cattle there. In 1844, city officials decided to make the Square more like an English country garden…a plan was made that included paths coming out from a central octagon, shrubbery, trees, and flowers. Some work was started, but destroyed in the Great Fire of 1877. The majority of the development at the Square was completed after that (in fact, most of the oldest buildings in the Uptown date to 1878). The current bandstand was built in 1908 (restored in 1987), a memorial to King Edward VII. The Jolie posed in front of it:
The Jolie got a lot of stares from passersby as we walked through the Square…Saint Johners weren’t being their usual friendly selves:
I overheard the following conversation between two old biddies:
“Imagine…goin’ out in the middle of winter in a tank top! How come she’s not wearing a coat?” the first asked her companion.
The answer: “Maybe her money keeps her warm…she sure doesn’t have any body fat!”
Body fat must have been on The Jolie’s mind too, because the minute we arrived at our bookstore, Dave Shoots, Bookseller, she jumped on the scale to see if she’d gained any weight from the Timbits she’d eaten!
The Jolie proudly declared herself “weightless” (kind of like her performance in “Beyond Borders”). At least her upcoming trip to Nunavut won’t cost much…maybe I should buy her a “fanny pack.”
While she was in the bookstore, The Jolie was photographed with a “local boy” who left Saint John and got famous (sadly, that’s usually how it happens!):
Other famous people with Saint John roots include: film mogul Louis B. Mayer (born in Russia, but grew up here), actor Donald Sutherland (Kiefer’s dad, for you young whippersnappers!), actor Walter Pidgeon, and inventor Dr. Abraham Gesner (kerosene). The infamous Benedict Arnold spent six years in Saint John after the American Revolution, but Saint Johners don’t like to talk about it!
The Jolie explored the bookshelves looking for reading material:
“Where’s your Danielle Steele section?” The Jolie demanded.
“Down the street, at the bookstore we don’t own,” I replied.
“What kind of bookstore is this?” she whined.
I smiled. “A discerning one.”
The Jolie then asked to borrow a dictionary…I think she needed to look something up…
After returning the dictionary to its place, the Jolie headed for the children’s section…she wanted to send some books home for the Nanny to read to the kids. I found her absorbed a few minutes later:
Soon, I declared it was time to get packed up for the next leg of The Jolie’s tour. She allowed me to wrap her in bubble wrap, and only whimpered a little when I put the packing tape over her mouth…for the first time since she arrived, The Jolie was speechless!
“Good luck in Nunavut, Dear! Don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out!”
*No action figures were harmed in the writing of this piece (I left airholes in the box). The Jolie will next appear in Iqaluit, Nunavut in I’ll Have Nunavut. I hope she’s not allergic to cats!