The ad said: “FREE Samples Oct. 28
Hurry, these will go fast! Top brands giving away free samples. Enter your email to qualify”
Dear Random Sample Company,
I am not hopeful that coating my decidely un-Angelie Jolie-like lips in heavy metal is going to improve my appearance or my love life…what else have you got? How about those invisible boob-lifters…do you have any of those? I also like neat earrings. My address is attached…please pack whatever you send carefully…our post office uses parcels for soccer games at lunchtime.
The ad said: “Mom’s Weight Loss Rule
How to flatten that stubborn mid section effectively. It really works, just read this story. You have nothing to lose.”
Dear Seriously-Delusional Weight Loss Guru:
I could only look like the girl in the picture if:
a. I had not had three children over a 12-year period.
b. I stop including potato chips as one of the four food groups.
c. I get more exercise than walking from the computer to the kitchen to get a snack.
d. I have extensive plastic surgery (full body/facial package) after a steamroller runs over my midsection repeatedly.
You say that I have “nothing to lose.” On the contrary…it’s probably about 50 lbs.
Signing off to take my brownies out of the oven.
The ad said: “Be a Pudding Investigator
Enter for a chance to win $5000 plus weekly prizes. Join Kozy Shack in investigating the ingredients in your pudding.”
Dear Kozy Shack:
Sign me up. I could really use $5000! I feel it only fair to warn you that I suck at science, so any “investigation” of pudding ingredients I make will probably be rudimentary. Also, I’m lactose-intolerant, so I generally avoid pudding all together (let’s just say that bad things happen when I eat it!). I have attached my address so that you can forward the cheque.
The ad said: “Unleash your inner artist
Realize your artistic potential on the Amex fan page and you could win a trip for two to NYC!”
I don’t have one of your cards…my income is significantly less than your minimum requirement (and I get paid in ice cream). I believe I reached my artistic potential in kindergarten when we glued string and macaroni on to cardboard, painted it, and then sprinkled it with glitter. I humbly suggest that your pictured artwork might be more powerful if the big blue blotch were on the right instead of the left side. I really don’t want to go to New York City…it’s crowded, noisy and scary! I would love to visit my brother, who lives near Ottawa…could you throw in four more tickets so the kids could go too? Oh, one more thing: I don’t fly Air Canada…it has to be WestJet (we’ll need a limo to Moncton, because they only fly out of Saint John in the summertime)! Looking forward to our trip!