The Jolie Tour, Part 2…Eat, Drink and Be Bitchy…

This is the second installment of a series begun yesterday…please read Part One here to get up to speed…[The Jolie says to “Make it snappy!”…she’s hungry].

It’s against the law here not to “go to Tim Hortons for coffee” (you don’t actually have to drink coffee…”going for coffee” is an activity).  Tim Hortons is a Canadian institution started by a hockey player as a “summer job” back in the 1960’s before athletes were paid millions of dollars to play.  Unfortunately, Tim was killed in a car accident in 1974, and didn’t get to see the huge success his little coffee shop is today (at the time of his death, there were 40 franchises).  Today, many Canadian cities have multiple Tims locations …when I lived there a few years ago, Moncton, New Brunswick, had more Tims per capita than any other city!  Every spring, Tims has a popular contest called “Roll Up the Rim to Win” where you look for a prize under the rim of your paper cup…they give away cars, TV’s, and free coffee and donuts (the last two things are all I’ve ever won!).

Since The Jolie’s little tummy was growling, we took her to the Lansdowne Tims location…after telling us what they wanted, Anna and Brianna escaped to the safety of the Shoppers Drug Mart, preferring to shop for shampoo instead of being seen in public with The Jolie and their Action Figure Tourist Guide parents (we’d dropped Hope off on the West Side at her dad’s, and Devin stayed home because there wasn’t room in the car for everybody…what a generous gesture!).  Before going in, we asked The Jolie what she wanted.  “I’ll have an Espresso Macchiato with a quarter inch of milk foam and chocolate sprinkles on the top!” she ordered.

“Whoa, baby,” I said.  “Back up the truck!  This isn’t a fancy L.A. coffee place…the people who work here wear hairnets and sturdy shoes, and usually aren’t third-rate actresses!  They call everybody, ‘Dear’.  You can have coffee or tea or hot chocolate…if you’re good, I’ll get them to put a French Vanilla flavour shot in your coffee!  What do you want to eat?”

The Jolie thought for a minute before answering, “Get me a smoked salmon on rye, sliced very thin with the crusts cut off, and just a couple of capers on top.”  Her face fell when she saw the look on mine.  “Really…they don’t have that either?”

“When you’re in the Maritimes, Dear, ‘Capers’ are people who hail from a part of Nova Scotia called Cape Breton.  They get mad if you try to spread them on a sandwich, or criticize their funny accents.”  I took pity on The Jolie: “How about a nice Chicken Club on a whole wheat baguette?”  I hoped that throwing a French word in there made it sound fancier (I also hoped I wouldn’t have this trouble again).  It worked.

“I suppose that’s all right,” The Jolie pouted.  I dropped her in my purse, and we went in and ordered our food.  I paid with my Tims card (yay…I had more left on it than I thought!), and we carried the plastic tray to the table.  Jim glanced surreptitiously around before I pulled The Jolie out of her hiding place and set her on the table.

The Jolie engages in the great Canadian at Tims...

In between bites of her sandwich, The Jolie found it amusing to yell “Barista!” repeatedly.  The girls behind the counter kept ducking to escape her wrath (I heard one of them ask another, “Is that Spanish for double-double?”)!  We explained to The Jolie that there is no “table service” at Tims…if she wanted something, she’d have to go up and ask for it!  She passed.

We’d gotten The Jolie a couple of Timbits for dessert.  Timbits are donut holes…Tims makes a fortune selling them for 15 cents each.  The Jolie demanded to know why we were feeding her “leftovers.”  She changed her tune once that Honey Dip hit her lips…

After lunch, we gathered up the girls and continued our tour.  The next stop was the Saint John City Market, which has been in operation in its current location since 1876.  When the Market was built in the late nineteenth century, Saint John was one of the world’s leading shipbuilding centers, and the roof of the Market is modelled after an upside-down ship’s keel.  The kids made themselves scarce again while we took our photos.

The Jolie looks down over the City Market...

The Market is open year-round every day but Sundays.  The day starts at 7:30 a.m. with the ringing of a large bell at one end, and finishes the same way at 6 p.m., except on Saturdays when the Market closes at five.  In addition to fruits and vegetables, meats, cheeses and baked goods, the Market is a cornucopia of items ranging from local crafts, giftware and souvenirs to ethnic food from various locales.  There is also entertainment on the weekends, although we got there too late in the afternoon to see it.  The Jolie offered to do “a reading” but they didn’t have a mike stand short enough for her (which is a good thing, because not a lot of people would be interested in hearing an excerpt from her upcoming book, Pezed Off…The Jolie World Tour!).

Dulse from Grand Manan is something a lot of tourists take home with them when they visit New Brunswick:

The Jolie in the dulse bin...

Apparently, The Jolie was confused about what you’re supposed to do with dulse (and also has trouble reading upside down), because before I could stop her, she was doing this:

The Jolie exploring the benefits of dulse...

“What do you mean, you eat it?  I thought it was a beauty treatment!” she sputtered, as I hauled The Jolie out of the bag.  “We pay big bucks for seaweed at my spa in L.A.!”  She spent the next hour removing bits of purple vegetation from her hair…

Be sure to come back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of The Jolie’s visit to Saint John, New Brunswick!

*Disclaimer: This post is entertainment and any resemblance to living people (except Jim and I and our kids) is purely coincidental.  I also didn’t eat the blue pill!



Filed under blogging, food, satire, tourism

34 responses to “The Jolie Tour, Part 2…Eat, Drink and Be Bitchy…

  1. Another hilarious post!!! You make that half of Brangelina proud. And Angie upside down in the dulce bag (Say that five times quickly) is absolutely priceless.

  2. Just too funny! Can’t wait for tomorrow’s final installment! Haiti says “hello” to Jolie!

  3. So funny! How do you come up with this stuff, Wendy? What a great mind for humour. Love it!

  4. I love part 2 too, Wendy – you’re SO funny! And I’m really loving hearing about your part of the world, sounds and looks wonderful. You’re giving your visitor a jolie good education, and keeping her well reined in!
    Sunshine xx

  5. I enjoy picturing the behind the scenes setup of these shots. Funny stuff 🙂

    • Thanks, Clay! I was holding The Jolie up in front of the Loyalist Man at the Reversing Falls, watching out of the corner of my eye for cars to start going off the road…luckily it didn’t happen! Wendy

  6. Your city has some fascinating sites. I am sure Jollie is enjoying almost ever moment of her visit! I do agree with the Jollie tho–dulse is best used as a beauty treatment!

  7. Love the tour and especially love The Jolie in a bag. Hugs, Diane

  8. I remember the Tim Hortons (not because I went there) from my one short visit deep into Ontario. There was one of those places on every corner! You guys sure do love your Tim Hortons! I’m sure The Jolie will catch on eventually.

  9. Can’t wait to read Pezed Off … The Jolie World Tour! Laughing at that and shouts of “Barista!” at Tim Hortons. Love the Dulse photo, and imagining your children running off to hide while you and Jim captured The Jolie’s shenanigans. Can’t wait for the next installment. Thanks for the belly laughs, Wendy!

  10. ha ha ha…im so glad you got her to Tim’s!

    does she take her dulse toasted or right out of the bag?

  11. I’d never heard of dulse until I read this, proving that something fun can also be educational. 🙂

  12. Rolling on the floor Wendy!! That last picture is just hilarious!!!

    Am so sad the next post is a conclusion 😦 I guess it’s a new movie she’s shooting for 😉

    Hugs, H.

  13. Hippie Cahier

    Hmmmm…so she says “sprinkles,” not “jimmies.” Very interesting insight into her personality. 🙂

    • Oh, dear…somebody didn’t do enough research…yikes! Thanks for reading, Hippie… Wendy

      • Hippie Cahier

        Ha ha…you wouldn’t know this, of course, but when I was in college, way back when there were such things as all-girl dorms, one night we had a huge and heated discussion over “sprinkles” versus “jimmies.”

        Actually, I was just a witness. Those involved had just come back from an evening of…shall we say…libations?

        It’s always fun to be the sober person watching such things. I just may be the only one there who remembers it.

      • I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve never heard of “jimmies”…I’m a tea drinker! Wendy

  14. Pingback: ‘Salt’y Tears…The Jolie Bids Adieu… « Herding Cats in Hammond River

  15. Wow. She’s a pill! I sensed some mellowing from yesterday’s tour around the city, but seriously? Prima donna syndrome! I think all her fame has gone to her head. You’d never know she’s a humanitarian type! 😉

  16. Is Dulse like kelp? I have been really enjoying this series!

  17. Pingback: A Tomb Raider in Iqaluit? | I'll Have Nunavut

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