Très Jolie?…Non…

I will start this post with a disclaimer borrowed from Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory: “I am not insane!  My mother had me tested” (it’s been a while, though). 

Further disclaimer: any resemblance to actual people (except Jim and I and our kids) is completely coincidental…this piece is strictly entertainment (historical details are accurate).  If it makes you want to come and visit Saint John, it’s a bonus!

It’s all my friend, Omawarisan‘s, fault.  A few months ago, I stumbled innocently upon Oma’s blog after he was Freshly Pressed for the umpteenth time…Oma has his own nutty delightfully-skewed perspective on ordinary aspects of everyday life…things most of us never take the time to think about!  When I found out about his hare-brained brilliant plan to send an action figure of Angelina Jolie to bloggers around the world, I signed up right away to be a stop on “The Jolie”‘s Canadian Tour.  That’s how this box arrived in my mailbox last Friday:

Bad things come in small packages...

The Jolie is the “famous visitor” I referred to in this post last week.

I could hear The Jolie yelling as we pulled up to the community mailbox where Jim and I pick up our mail…it had been a couple of days since we’d checked it because of a snowstorm.  I decided to leave her in the box until she calmed down a little…I could see that Oma had spared no expense in sending The Jolie to Canada!

I prepared a pork stir-fry for the family…I had to turn on the exhaust fan to drown out the swearing coming from the box on the counter!  After supper, I released our guest.  I checked the box in vain for luggage…The Jolie didn’t even have a fanny-pack!  What kind of tourist comes to Saint John, New Brunswick without one of those?

Fanny pack...essential equipment for all Saint John tourists...

The Jolie drowned her sorrows in a cup of King Cole tea (made in Sussex, New Brunswick…it recently began using paper for teabags after its supply of gauze dried up…I swear I’m not making this up!) as she regaled us with the story of her trip.  Apparently, she was awakened to the sound of the packing tape on her box being cut by an eager young Canada Customs officer looking for contraband.  “He was no Brad Pitt!” The Jolie snorted.  “He just about ruined my boots with that box cutter!  I would have sued his ass!”  She paused to regain her composure before continuing.  “Then he wanted to look in my backpack!  I’ve got $1000 worth of the finest cosmetics money can buy in there…do you think I wanted his filthy paws rummaging through my personal things?  I told him to pick on someone his own size!”  I assumed that there had been no further incident, since The Jolie had been delivered without “paperwork” or phone calls from the federal government.

I showed The Jolie to her room to rest from her ordeal.  She wasted no time in soliciting sympathy from whoever she could find…this is how I found her a half hour later when I came to make sure she had everything she needed:

The Jolie in a compromising position with some green guy...he looks strangely familiar...

I sternly suggested The Jolie “get some sleep”, because we had a big day of touring ahead of us on Saturday.

The Jolie stumbled downstairs just in time for lunch the next day…I made her my usual Saturday brunch of “Toad in the Hole” (eggs fried in the middle of a bagel cut in half).  She ate all of hers and half of mine (in between mouthfuls, she whined about the trains she heard in the middle of the night, and “that mutt” which was scratching on her bedroom door)!  Jake had been remarkably restrained…he hadn’t tried to eat her even once!

Jim loaded his Nikon D90 into his camera bag, and he and the girls and I got into the Toyota Corolla to go to town.  Attempting to divert attention from her transgression the night before, The Jolie commented that she’d never ridden in an “economy car” before.  She wondered if our “regular driver” was on vacation.  She balked at putting on her seatbelt, but we told her the car wouldn’t move until she had it on.

Our first stop was guaranteed to remind The Jolie of home: the Saint John sign at Fort Howe…everybody refers to Saint John as “Hollywood North” (not really…that’s Vancouver!).

Hollywood North...except for the snow...

The next destination was where every tourist who ever visited Saint John wants to go: the Reversing Falls.  The Jolie posed with The Loyalist Man, who used to be the unofficial Saint John mascot before some marketing genius from Toronto “rebranded” our city:

Loyalist Man and The Jolie...

The Jolie complained bitterly when she saw the actual “Falls”, which are technically just rapids…they’re nothing like “backwards Niagara Falls”!  “That’s it?” she asked.  I hope she’s not planning to stop in Moncton while she’s here: The Tidal Bore will probably live up to its name…

The Reversing Falls with the Reversing Falls Bridge...

Then it was on to Carleton Martello Tower, which was built on the West Side during the War of 1812 to guard the land approaches to the city from the pesky Americans.  Unfortunately, it was closed for the winter…The Jolie was keen to check out the gun turrets!  She had to be content to pose outside, though.

The Jolie pretending to throw a grenade at Carleton Martello Tower...there used to be cannons sticking out those holes...

 We headed uptown to show The Jolie our premiere performing arts facility, the Imperial Theatre:

The Jolie in front of the Imperial Theatre...

The original Imperial began life as a vaudeville theatre back in 1913, became a movie theatre in the late 1920’s, and then a Pentecostal church in the 1950’s.  In 1982, the theatre was purchased by a dedicated group of volunteers who restored it to its former theatrical status over a 12-year period.  It was formally reopened on May 24, 1994.  The 900-seat venue has hosted musicians and theatrical performances from around the world over the past 16 years, and countless performers have declared it their “favourite place to play in Canada.”

*Special thank you to Jim, who lay down on the sidewalk on his stomach to get the last shot, and to the people walking by, who watched what we were doing, but didn’t call “the men in the white coats.”

More highlights of The Jolie’s tour coming up…


Filed under blogging, satire, travel

58 responses to “Très Jolie?…Non…

  1. This is hysterical, Wendy! Truly hysterical! How does one get in on the tour? Think Jolie might want to come to Haiti? No, seriously, I don’t think the mail is dependable enough here–but, hell, Wendy, doesn’t everyone want to do Port-au-Prince? Surely she needs to do some aid work. Sara had dinner with Sean Penn the other evening. Now that would be a good shot! Or how about with “Baby Doc” since he’s arrived on the scene?
    Hugs from Haiti,

  2. Gettin it on with the little green men of Hammond River huh? *sigh* I can’t wait to see who she tries to get a hold of when she visits us. Crazy woman.

    On another note…who knew that she’d be appearing at a great little local theatre. I hope she knows enough to wash her mouth out with soap if she offends anyone!

  3. Love this and thanks so much for the tour of St. John’s ala Jolie.

    What’s with all the well-endowed action figures? Now I know where the Little Green man has disappeared to -looks a little like James Bond in that pose.

    I’m afraid that Jolie wouldn’t find that kind of action or sites in our small town of 400. I’m sure she would be bored to tears. I suppose she could climb to the top of the water tower in town and write her name there for fun.

  4. planejaner

    Way too fun! I think I would have been much too overcome with “celebrity-itis” that I wouldn’t have been able to give her near as wonderful a time as you did.
    Plus, I think I would have been jealous of her.
    and maybe put pinesol in her food.

    • I’m glad you liked it, Jane! The only thing I’m jealous of is the definition of her upper arms…and maybe her tiny waist…and perfect hair and skin…where’s that Pine Sol? Hugs, Wendy

  5. Oh yeah. We’ve been getting to know each other a bit lately Wendy so you might know that this is right up my alley. What a great mix of pop culture, zany humor, and history with your interesting tidbits sprinkled about. We may need to get the Jolie to Pittsburgh. Great stuff.

    • Just send Oma a comment on his blog, Clay…he’ll put you on the schedule once The Jolie is back in the U.S. (she’s making a few stops in Canada, but I’m not sure where she’s off to after that!)… Wendy

  6. So funny! What a blast you, Jim and the The Jolie had.

    Reminds me of the time Flat Stanley came to visit Atlanta and the four times I’ve sent him around the world.

    Hugs, Diane

  7. Oh, forgot to add St. John is lovely!

  8. I can’t believe you got the girls to go along with you on this, they are now my heros!

    That Gumby! He buys dinner and a couple movie tickets adn starts taking all kinds of liberties!

    • You haven’t seen Part Two yet, Oma…the girls were in the car, but pretty much refused to be seen with us when we were doing the photography! Ix-nay on the Umby-gay! He’s hiding out from the relentless paparazzi… Wendy

  9. izziedarling

    Wendy, this is BRILLIANT! And you were so kind to let the Jolie out for the Golden Globes. How many Canadian children has she adopted since she hit your house? Brilliant! *iz

  10. My bad. I get upset when people mess up my name too! Sorry about that. What I meant to say is Saint John is lovely.

  11. Great travel guide, Wendy, and congratulations on keeping the Jolie out of serious trouble!

  12. If she dares to come here we’ve got some Barbies and princesses that would show her a thing or two!

  13. My word! I always thought she was a whiny b….rat. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a potty mouth too. But kudos to you for enduring her… you are the ultimate hostess. Good luck with getting rid of her, though, if you’re TOO nice to her. 😉

  14. LOL Wendy…this has to be the funniest thing I’ve read in a while and just what I needed on a rather dull morning!!

    This so makes me want to visit 🙂

    I’m surprised she ate the ‘toad in the hole’ and no exercise either!!! So how does she feel about leaving her brood behind? I thought she traveled everywhere with them! And how did your brood react to her presence?

    Looking forward to Day 2 with Jolie…hope she behaved!

    Hugs, H.

    • Thanks, Harsha…glad it perked up your morning! To answer some of your questions: Sadly, The Jolie’s brood didn’t fit in the box…

      Our weekend adventures only confirmed what our kids have known for a while now…Mom and Dad are a little bit “off”! Luckily, none of the kids still at home has reached the age where they can legally take over power of attorney… I hope to have the second post up later today! Wendy

  15. Loved reading this post – had quite a chuckle – ok I even laughed out loud enough for my husband to ask what was going on 🙂

    My children have all traveled and have photos from around the world with a “special traveling companion” with them – a great talking …and laughing point

    • Thanks for stopping by, Brenda…if you laugh hard enough that people think you’re losing your mind while reading one of my posts, then I’ve done my job! Feel free to tour the archives for more fun! Wendy

  16. Oh Wendy, you are too funny! This is brilliant – really made me laugh! And Saint John looks fabulous – when can I book? Just let me know then I’ll ask my husband to mail me across.
    Look forward to hearing more of the Jolie tour – what fun!
    Sunshine xx

    • Thanks, Sunshine…glad you enjoyed it! We do have an airport here! You’d definitely have a place to stay! I think The Jolie should come to London…I’m sure Oma would be happy to oblige…just drop him a comment on his blog if you’d like to host… Hugs, Wendy

  17. Oh what a fantastic way to explore your home town!

  18. Wendy, you are the hostess with the mostess. How clever, turning on the exhaust to drown out The Jolie. Love the photos, particularly the Saint John / Hollywood shot. I don’t know who disgusts me more, Gumby or The Jolie. Probably Gumby, because I never would have expected such behavior from him. He’s obviously been corrupted by The Jolie. Tsk, tsk. I can’t wait for Part Two!

  19. SO FREAKIN FUNNY! Hippie Cahier did an Angelina tour a couple months back. This is where the minds of 10 year old boys and adult literary-types dovetail beautifully.

  20. Loved the marquee. If the Packers go to the Superbowl maybe the Jolie would like to tour Green Bay?

  21. Pingback: The Jolie Tour, Part 2…Eat, Drink and Be Bitchy… « Herding Cats in Hammond River

  22. OMG Too, too, funny! Would never have guessed who your special visitor would be..

  23. Gumby is quite the ladies man, or thing. Who would have guessed it?

  24. Hippie Cahier

    Great shots, Wendy, although I have to say I never expected to find action figure p*rn*gr*phy on your blog. 😉

    I’m sure you and Jim are making lots of friends on your adventures. TJ was a great conversation starter in DC. Off to read part 2….

  25. Pingback: ‘Salt’y Tears…The Jolie Bids Adieu… « Herding Cats in Hammond River

  26. Pingback: My (third) list of ridiculously great things « 36×37

  27. Pingback: Breaking News – The Jolie Uncensored « The $#!& I Think About

  28. Robert Eberwein

    Thanks for the tour with Jolie — who knew? Your commentary is quite amusing. & I was only looking for large images of the Reversing Falls!

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