‘Salt’y Tears…The Jolie Bids Adieu…

This is the final installment in a 3-part series chronicling The Jolie‘s visit to Saint John, New Brunswick.  I would like to thank my friend, Omawarisan, for his crazy idea ingenius plan that seems to have brought so much joy to my readers…this series was also incredibly fun to write!  Thanks again to Jim for driving all over town and putting up with rude stares as he photographically recorded The Jolie’s tour (he did all the touristy shots and labelled them too – he’s a lover, not a speller!).

If you haven’t read the first two parts, please take a few minutes and catch up…read quickly…The Jolie is anxious to be on her way!

Part 1

Part 2

Here’s the disclaimer (again):  This piece is purely for entertainment purposes and has no basis in fact (all Saint John tourist information is correct).  Any resemblance to living people (except my family) is coincidental. 

We left off Part 2 with The Jolie terrorizing exploring the Saint John City Market.  The Jolie did have an unpleasant encounter with the proprietor of one of the local fishmongers…for fun, I told her that “swimming with the lobsters” was a tradition in New Brunswick, kind of like swimming with the dolphins (a total lie!).  Well, The Jolie was bound and determined she was going to do it!  When she saw the lobster tank at the Market, she demanded to speak to the Manager.  The guy came out from behind the counter, and extended his hand to The Jolie…she ignored it. “I want to swim with the lobsters!  I came a long way to do that!”  The manager calmly explained that she might have some germs on her that could make the live lobsters ill.  “Do you think I don’t shower?” The Jolie asked indignantly.  While assuring her that everyone has germs, even movie stars, he offered to pack up a couple of big lobsters for her to take home.  The Jolie grudgingly agreed, “Well, I suppose…they probably taste better than Cambodian cockroaches.  Can you send the lobsters to Nunavut?  That’s where I’m headed after this.”  The manager wrote down the address, and promised to ship the crustaceans to the Far North right away.

Our next stop was King’s Square, which is across the street from the Market’s Charlotte St. entrance.  Until the mid-19th century, the Square was pretty primitive…people came to draw water from public wells, to view criminals in the pillory, or to celebrate special occasions with an ox roast.  The militia used it for training, and the butchers in town slaughtered their cattle there.  In 1844, city officials decided to make the Square more like an English country garden…a plan was made that included paths coming out from a central octagon, shrubbery, trees, and flowers.  Some work was started, but destroyed in the Great Fire of 1877.  The majority of the development at the Square was completed after that (in fact, most of the oldest buildings in the Uptown date to 1878).  The current bandstand was built in 1908 (restored in 1987), a memorial to King Edward VII.  The Jolie posed in front of it:

The Jolie and the King's Square Bandstand...the trees lining the paths were planted in the late 1880's...

The Jolie got a lot of stares from passersby as we walked through the Square…Saint Johners weren’t being their usual friendly selves:

The Jolie didn't get the attention she expected...

I overheard the following conversation between two old biddies:

“Imagine…goin’ out in the middle of winter in a tank top!  How come she’s not wearing a coat?” the first asked her companion.

The answer: “Maybe her money keeps her warm…she sure doesn’t have any body fat!”

Body fat must have been on The Jolie’s mind too, because the minute we arrived at our bookstore, Dave Shoots, Bookseller, she jumped on the scale to see if she’d gained any weight from the Timbits she’d eaten!

The Jolie tips the scales...

The Jolie proudly declared herself “weightless” (kind of like her performance in “Beyond Borders”).  At least her upcoming trip to Nunavut won’t cost much…maybe I should buy her a “fanny pack.”

While she was in the bookstore, The Jolie was photographed with a “local boy” who left Saint John and got famous (sadly, that’s usually how it happens!):

The Jolie and Stompin' Tom Connors...Prince Edward Island claims him, but he was born in Saint John...

Other famous people with Saint John roots include: film mogul Louis B. Mayer (born in Russia, but grew up here), actor Donald Sutherland (Kiefer’s dad, for you young whippersnappers!), actor Walter Pidgeon, and inventor Dr. Abraham Gesner (kerosene).  The infamous Benedict Arnold spent six years in Saint John after the American Revolution, but Saint Johners don’t like to talk about it!

The Jolie explored the bookshelves looking for reading material:

The Jolie checks out our fiction...

“Where’s your Danielle Steele section?” The Jolie demanded.

“Down the street, at the bookstore we don’t own,” I replied.

“What kind of bookstore is this?” she whined.

I smiled.  “A discerning one.”

The Jolie then asked to borrow a dictionary…I think she needed to look something up…

The Jolie consults a dictionary...

After returning the dictionary to its place, the Jolie headed for the children’s section…she wanted to send some books home for the Nanny to read to the kids.  I found her absorbed a few minutes later:

"Now I know my ABC's...next time won't you sing with me!"

Soon, I declared it was time to get packed up for the next leg of The Jolie’s tour.  She allowed me to wrap her in bubble wrap, and only whimpered a little when I put the packing tape over her mouth…for the first time since she arrived, The Jolie was speechless!

“Good luck in Nunavut, Dear!  Don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out!”

*No action figures were harmed in the writing of this piece (I left airholes in the box).  The Jolie will next appear in Iqaluit, Nunavut in I’ll Have Nunavut.  I hope she’s not allergic to cats!


Filed under blogging, books, satire, tourism

40 responses to “‘Salt’y Tears…The Jolie Bids Adieu…

  1. What a brilliant conclusion to a really fun series, Wendy. And so interesting to learn and see more of Saint John. It sounds like you had a hard job teaching the Jolie some culture but well done for trying. I love the “don’t let the door hit you on the arse on the way out”! You’d almost think you were happy to see her go. 🙂
    Donald Sutherland was on a talk show here last week – promoting his latest movie, The Mechanic. We saw him in Harare in the mid-1980s when he was there shooting A Dry White Season. He and Helen Mirren were having breakfast together at a hotel, and we happened to sit at the same (extended) table as they did. Pretty exciting, I tell ya!
    Sunshine xx

    • Thanks, Sunshine…I’m almost sad to see her go…the days were definitely not routine while she was here! “Don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out!” is an expression heard frequently in the Maritimes…

      I love Helen Mirren…very talented actress…cool to see stars (other than plastic ones) in person! Hugs, Wendy

  2. Sounds like you 2 had a great time, and, most importantly, no one got hurt or arrested.

  3. Woo hoo! What an exhilerating ride you’ve had this week Wendy! We are, of course, looking forward to our guest. Let’s hope she chills out a little bit. Sheesh…she can be moody huh? What word was she looking up exactly? Indignity?

    And I wouldn’t worry about the cats…it’s the ravens I’m worried about…

    • “Chills out”…good one! Good guess on the word, Suzanne! I was a little worried about losing her over the railing at the Reversing Falls! Will send her on her way soon! Have fun! Wendy

  4. So jealous! I want a visit!!!

  5. The Jolie is unaffected by gravity….amazing!

    Great job Wendy (and patient family)! I got the link to the pictures and will get them up on Blurt soon.

    I’ll send you the address in Nunavut on email.

  6. On soap oprahs people come back from the dead, for whatever reasons, remember Dallas??? i say don’t let this be the end. find a way…

  7. Fabulous series, Wendy! Good to know Jolie didn’t catch a chill, cause I was worried we might have to knit her a teenie tiny sweater to go with the dictionary in miniature. Hope she’s off to warmer weather.
    Hugs from Haiti,

  8. Wonderful ending to The Jolie series!

    I have thoroughly enjoyed traveling around Saint John with you, Jim, and The Jolie.

    Hugs, Diane

  9. This series needs a repeat at some time in the future. I liked Angie so much more after you got a hold of her than I did before. Especially with the Mutant Killer Pigeons.

  10. Leave it to the Jolie to get caught up in a cultural struggle between St. Johns and Prince Edward Island. This journey is really a great idea. Can’t wait to see what happens in Nunavut. True story, I didn’t know that was a real place until I was told to teach Canadian geography one semester. Oh well!

    • Saint John, Clay! St. John’s is in Newfoundland (I lived there too, many years ago). I’m sure Suzanne and Ian will come up with unique adventures for The Jolie too! Thanks for reading! Wendy

  11. Okay, that dictionary? Too cute! (I think she was looking up “indiscriminate”… maybe finally learning something???)

    And Donald Sutherland? When I lived in Nova Scotia, I was shown the place he grew up in. I’m starting to think that every province might have a claim on him. 😉

    Whew! I bet you’re glad to get her demanding tiny arse out of there. Now you can relax… and enjoy your success.

    • That dictionary is pretty sweet, Koreen…it’s only 2″ tall! Don was born in Saint John (we share the same birthday) and grew up in the next town over from where I live now (Hampton, New Brunswick). The family must have moved to Nova Scotia when he was in junior high…his first job was at a radio station in Bridgewater when he was 14. I kind of miss the little woman! Wendy

  12. N B

    I quite enjoyed reading about The Jolie’s visit. This was a great trilogy and I look forward to more of your posts! Your friend had quite the ingenious idea to do this ‘Jolie’ trip.

    I hope she doesn’t begrudge you the tape on her mouth or the tidbits. At least you did leave air holes when you sent her to her next location!

  13. LOL Wendy…do I detect a ‘Good Riddance!’ in that last goodbye 😉 Enjoyed the series and wish it were longer but I guess 3 days of Jolie is about as much as one can take 😛

    Such a wonderful way to showcase your town as well 🙂 It’s beautiful like its people 😀

    The Jolie engrossed in her ABC’s is just too funny! When’s the last time she was even in a bookstore?! Btw, I do want to know what the title of the white book is, in the picture where she’s checking out the fiction…the 3rd book from The Smoking Flax…seems interesting!

    Nunavut…interesting name…will have to check it out!

    Hugs, H.

    • Hi Harsha: Glad you enjoyed The Jolie series…it was a blast to write! Also fun to look at Saint John through a tourist’s eyes… Here’s a link to the book you asked about: http://bit.ly/eMyAzr Nunavut is our newest Canadian territory (Yukon and Northwest Territories are the others)…it’s in the Arctic. If you check out Ian and Suzanne’s blog, there’s more info…they just moved there in the last couple of months. Hugs, Wendy

  14. What great fun! She needs her own blog!

  15. Hi Wendy — Just spent some time catching up on this series…hilarious!

  16. Quite a tour that little Jolie took! I love the pic with the tiny dictionary. Those little books still amuse me even now!

  17. You survived, Wendy! I feared you’d be stuck with The Jolie when she learned St. John was the birthplace of Louis B. Mayer. So glad for you and your family that she didn’t dig her heels in when it was time to leave. I find it quite amusing that she appears to be reading the definition of “indignity.” Great job, Wendy!

  18. It warms my heart to know you and La Petite Jolie spent some quality time together! I really held my breath for those pigeons, what with The Jolie packing heat and all. Glad to hear her journey continues.

    (P.S. – How great are those tiny books from your store!!! Love ’em!)

  19. izziedarling

    Wendy – this is a book! Love! xo iz
    p.s. A funny book!

  20. These pictures are SO GOOD!

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